Monday, December 1, 2025

Easy Homemade No-knead Bread and French Bread / A Christmas Bargain! by Margaret Ullrich

 

My last post had bread pudding recipes and they reminded me about the recent warnings concerning ultraprocessed foods.


Most regular packaged breads are considered to be ultraprocessed foods since they are usually made with added emulsifiers and gluten to extend their shelf life.


Don’t panic.
There are other foods that are worse than bread.
But, if you’d like to go back to basic bread - the kind that actually goes stale and hard after a few days - it can be done.
There is a very popular recipe that has been around for a few years.
It’s easy and will give your budget a boost.

Jim Lahey of Sullivan Street Bakery in New York City has become famous for his no-knead artisan bread recipe.
Lahey's bread is made from flour, yeast, salt, and water.
That’s it.
It was one of the THE breads to make when everyone was baking during Covid.


Hints:

About the Jim Lahey’s No-Knead Bread…
Instant or ‘rapid rise’ yeast is yeast that has been crushed into finer granules that enable it to dissolve more quickly.
Since it doesn’t need to be dissolved in warm water, you don’t have to proof it.
If you cannot find instant yeast, substitute active dry yeast proof and continue.

If the room is cool the dough will rise more slowly. As long as 24 hours may be necessary.
The cornmeal helps to prevent the dough from sticking and adds a little texture to the bread. You can use wheat bran or more flour instead of the cornmeal.

The bread must cool on a rack for at least an hour to allow the crust to set and the interior to finish baking.
Leftovers can be stored in a plastic bag at room temperature for up to 3 days.


About the Scored No-Knead Bread with Variations…
Bread flour will give a chewier texture, while whole wheat flour will give a nuttier flavour. You may need to adjust the water slightly.
Before the first rise you can fold in herbs, garlic, olives, or seeds for variety.

Store in a paper bag or wrapped in a clean kitchen towel to maintain its crust.
Plastic bags can make the crust soft.

Serve with soups or stews or for sandwiches.
Or garnish with a drizzle of olive oil and balsamic vinegar for a simple appetizer.


About the Quicker No Knead Bread…
Shaping the dough into a round loaf on a piece of parchment paper makes it easier to load and unload the bread from the oven. Shape the loaf into a tight round to get a higher rise.


About the No Knead Artisan French Bread…
This loaf can also be baked uncovered on a preheated baking sheet. To have enough moisture while baking, place a metal baking pan with boiling water in a corner of the oven to produce a chewy crust outside with big holes and a soft texture inside.

                                                       Jim Lahey’s No-Knead Bread

Place in a large bowl
3 Cups bread flour or all-purpose flour
1/4 teaspoon instant yeast
1 1/4 teaspoons salt
Stir together.
Add
1 1/3 Cups lukewarm water
Mix with a spoon until you have a shaggy, sticky dough. This should take 30 seconds.
Cover the bowl set it aside to rest, about 72° F room temperature, for at least 12 hours; 18 hours is better. 

Generously flour your work surface and lightly flour your hands.
Use a rubber spatula to turn the dough onto the surface.
Gently and quickly lift the edges of the dough in toward the centre, folding the dough over onto itself. Nudge and tuck in the edges of the dough to make it round. 

Generously coat a cotton towel with cornmeal, wheat bran or flour.
Place the dough, seam side down, on the towel and dust the surface with a little more cornmeal, wheat bran or flour.
Cover the dough with another cotton towel and let it rise for about 2 hours.
The dough will be double in size and will hold the impression of your fingertip when you poke it lightly.
If the dough readily springs back, let it rise for another 15 minutes.


A half hour before the dough is done with its second rise, place the oven rack to the lower third position.
Preheat the oven to 450° F
Place a 6- to 8-quart heavy pot and its lid (whether cast iron, enamel, Pyrex or ceramic) in the oven.


When the dough is done with its second rise, carefully take the pot from the oven and remove the lid. 
Uncover the dough, lift it up and quickly but gently turn it over into the pot, seam side up, being very careful not to touch the pot.
Cover pot with its lid and bake for 30 minutes.
Remove the lid and bake 15 to 30 minutes more, until the loaf is beautifully browned.

Using heatproof spatula or pot holders, lift bread out of the pot and place it on a rack.
Don’t slice it until it has cooled at least 60 minutes.


                                                       No-Knead Bread with Variations

Place in a large bowl
1 1/4 Cups lukewarm water, about 70° F
1/4 teaspoon active dry yeast
Gently stir together with wooden spoon, then add
2 Cups flour
Mix with a wooden spoon until just combined. 
Add
1 1/2 teaspoon kosher salt
1 Cup flour
Stir together until all flour is combined and it forms a shaggy ball of dough.
Cover bowl with plastic wrap and let stand at room temperature for 18 to 24 hours.

Sprinkle onto bottom of an oven-safe pot or Dutch oven
3 Tablespoons cornmeal

Lightly flour a work surface and place dough on it.
Carefully scrape dough out of bowl onto work surface.
Grab edges of dough, pull them up, fold into centre, then push them down.
The dough should form a ball with a little seam on top.
Set ball seam side down into prepared pot and cover.

Allow dough to rise while oven preheats to 450º F

When oven is hot, brush top of dough with
1 Tablespoon olive oil
Score the dough a few times with a sharp knife.
Sprinkle top with
Flaky sea salt or kosher salt
   
Cover pot and bake 35 minutes.
Remove lid and bake 25 minutes, until golden brown.
Remove loaf from pot and let cool on a wire rack for at least 30 minutes (1 to 2 hours is better) before slicing.


                                                       Easy No-Knead Bread

Place in a large bowl
3 1/4 Cups flour
2 teaspoons kosher salt
3/4 teaspoon instant yeast
Stir to combine, then make a well in the centre.
Add
1 1/2 Cups warm water
Using a wooden spoon, stir until a wet, sticky dough forms, about 1 to 2 minutes.
Cover bowl tightly with plastic wrap and let stand in a warm place until doubled in size and surface is dotted with bubbles, about 6 to 8 hours.

Lightly flour a work surface and place dough on it.
Fold dough over itself 3 to 4 times, turning after each fold.
Gently shape dough into a round.
Cover the dough with a dishtowel and allow it to rest at room temperature until it has doubled in size, about 1 hour.

About 15 minutes after covering the dough, preheat the oven to 450° F
Place a 4-qt Dutch oven, covered, in the oven for 30 minutes.
Remove pot from the oven, remove lid, and place dough into the Dutch oven.
Using a sharp knife, make a few shallow cuts on the top.
Cover and place in the oven and bake 30 minutes.
Remove cover and continue baking about 15 minutes until golden brown.
Let cool 60 minutes on a wire rack.


                                                       Quicker No-Knead Bread

Place in a large bowl
3 Cups flour
2 teaspoons salt
3/4 teaspoon active dry yeast
Stir to combine and make a well in the centre.
Add
1 1/2 Cups lukewarm water
Stir until it forms a shaggy dough.
Cover the bowl with a kitchen towel.
Set in a warm place to rise until doubled in size and bubbly, 6 to 8 hours. 

Lightly flour a piece of parchment paper.
Turn the dough out onto it, folding it over on itself at least once.
Quickly shape the dough into a round ball.
Cover with a kitchen towel and let rise for 1 hour or more, until doubled in size. 

About 15 minutes after covering the dough, preheat the oven to 450° F
Place a 4-qt Dutch oven, covered, in the oven for 30 minutes.

Remove pot from the oven and remove lid.
Using the parchment paper, carefully transfer the loaf, still on the paper, to the Dutch oven.
Make a slash on the top of the dough with a sharp knife so that the bread can expand while baking. 
Place the lid on the pot and put it in the oven.
Bake covered for 30 minutes.
Remove the lid and bake for 15 minutes more.
Remove pot from the oven and transfer the bread to a wire rack.
Let cool at least 15 minutes before slicing the bread.


                                                       No-Knead French Bread

Place in a large bowl
2 1/4 teaspoons yeast granulated yeast
2 1/2 Cup lukewarm water
Add
3 1/2 Cups flour
1 Tablespoon salt
Cover and let sit for 8 to 24 hours.

Flour a work surface with
1 Cup flour
Scrape the dough out and toss gently in the flour for no more than 3 to 4 minutes, keeping any air bubbles that have formed.
Wrap dough in a very well floured towel and let sit for 1 to 2 hours.

About 30 minutes before baking, put a covered cast iron pot in the oven and heat at 450º F
After 30 minutes remove from the oven, dump the bread in, cover and bake for 30 minutes.
Remove the lid, lower the heat to 400º F, and bake for 20 minutes, until golden brown.
Cool on a rack at least 30 minutes.


                                                       No-Knead Bread Recipe from Yeast Packet

Place in a large bowl
1 1/2 Cups warm milk or water
2 Tablespoons sugar
2 1/4 teaspoon instant yeast
Let it sit for 5 to 10 minutes until foamy.
Add
3 1/2 Cups flour
1 1/4 teaspoon salt
3 Tablespoons oil
Stir until combined.
Cover and let rise for about 1 hour, or until doubled in size.
Shape as needed, for bread, pizza, cinnamon rolls, or dinner rolls, then place in greased pans.
Let dough rise for 30 minutes.

Pre-heat oven to 375º F

Bake 30 to 60 minutes until item is golden brown.

                                                                            ~~~~

Back in 2002 I wrote an essay for the CKUW radio show ‘2000 & Counting' about getting Christmas gifts.
Goodness, that was twenty-three years ago, and a month before Christmas.
It was a meant as a light piece, filled with hints.
Many of our listeners were seniors or college students, folks known for having to stretch their dollars.
Christmas shopping hasn’t changed all that much.  Darn!!

If you’re not finished with your shopping this is definitely crunch time!



Okay… listen up!  There are four weeks left until Christmas.  That means gifts.  I know, I know, it's more blessed to give than to receive.  But, unless you have ways of shopping that you'd like to keep secret, giving gifts means money.  

It's a little late to start a Christmas gift account at your bank and the utility companies really lose that Ho Ho Ho spirit if you try to skip paying their bills. 
 
If the charge cards are already maxed out - or you just want to keep your nearest and dearest on a cash and carry basis - gift getting is going to take a little effort.  

Desperate times call for desperate measures.  As we're all stuck with holidays - oh, lucky us - I'll tell you some of my desperate measures.

    
Live off your hump.  You know what I mean.  Things like the 18 cans of tuna you have left from the time you bought 20 cans so you could get 50 bonus airmiles.  Now's the time to crack those babies open.  I know the family hates tuna.  That's why there are 18 little cans of fishies swimming around your pantry.  Well, the family would hate a Giftless Christmas even more.  Think about it.  Lousy dinners happen to everybody.  But the family Grinch who comes up giftless at Christmas gets blabbed about throughout the neighbourhood and the generations.  You don't want to be remembered by your great great grandchildren as Granny Grinchie.

Try creative cooking.  Pretend you're on the TV show Iron Chef.  You've just been given a tube of ground beef, a bag of marshmallows, a jar of salsa, a bottle of raspberry vinegar, a carton of frozen spinach, a jar of maraschino cherries and a box of rice-a-roni.  Think only a nut throws odd things together?  How do you think raspberry vinegar was invented?  If the family gets snarky, tell them you found the recipe in a magazine - Drop names.  Martha is always good - and if they can't appreciate all the effort you put into making dinner interesting… Well!  You know the speech.  Remember, guilt, when the other person has it, is a good thing.

Go ethnic.  Granny's recipes don't have to be saved for Folklorama.  God bless ancestors.  Go to an ethnic restaurant and get a load of the prices they charge for a plate of pasta fagioli (that's noodles and beans).  Grandma would die laughing if she saw those prices.  Starch and beans got millions of people through tough times.  Go thou and eat likewise.
  
Beans aren't good enough?  Go past the recognizable cuts and shop the mystery meats.  Put enough spices on them and the family won't know what hit them.  I once made spaghetti and meatballs using animal organs only a mother could love.  Guess what?  Hubby had invited a friend.  Well, the buddy was getting a free meal, so I followed the Cook’s Golden Rule: Don't apologize and don't explain.  The buddy said it was delicious, like the meatballs they serve at the Bay.  Hmmm…  I notice the Bay is still in business.  There's more than one way to skin a cat.   
  
Shop your house.  No kidding.  Grab a bag and stroll through your house.  Look for things somebody foisted… uh… gave to you.  Well, why should you be stuck with it until you're six feet under?  Unless it was made by your preschooler - don't even think it, they DO remember - you're free to pass it on to someone else.  Just don't give it to the person who gave it to you.
   
Pack your own.  Ever notice the little overpriced goodies the stores stuff into baskets and bowls?  One current gift item is a box of pasta, a tin of sauce, some cheese and some wooden spoons nestled within a large bowl.  Are you too stupid to do the same thing?  I didn’t think so.  It's one way to get rid of some of those extra airmiles purchases.  Let somebody else eat the tuna.  


Still thinking about the folks in the flyers looking wildly happy over a toaster? 
Toss the flyers.  Those models were paid big bucks.  Stores want you to buy.  A stress free family holiday is not their goal.  If they had their way you'd replace everything and pay 50% interest.
     
Remember how the best presents were things that showed that someone cared?  Maybe somebody hunted down an out-of-print book by your favorite author. 
The gadgets that looked amazing seem strange on December 26.  
     

While you're shopping, get yourself some treats. 
I have a friend who picks up a bag of pfeffernusse cookies every year.  When she feels like all she's doing is giving, giving, giving, she pops a pfeffernusse and gives herself an old time Christmas.  It doesn't take much.     

God bless us, everyone.

Sunday, November 30, 2025

Bread Pudding, with and without sauce / Christmas is Baa-aack!!! by Margaret Ullrich

Well, here we are, the first Sunday of Advent.
I know what you’re thinking… 

We just got through Thanksgiving, there are bowls of leftovers crammed in the fridge and now we have to plan for and work through more holiday crap?
Yeah, that pretty much sums it up.

We’ve done it before. We can do it again.

The bills for the last holiday are going to be on the statement coming in the next few days and it ain’t gonna be pretty.
Time to cut corners where we can.

Bread puddings are a great two-fer, when it comes to desserts.
They use up the bread that’s hard enough to dent walls and the rest of the ingredients are usually on hand.
If anybody starts pining for a fancy cake, give him THE LOOK, and start yelling about all you have to do to get all the Christmas chores done.

We’ve done it before. We can do it again.


Hints:

About the Bread and Butter Pudding #2…
This recipe is excellent for using leftover breads. Try rolls, raisin bread or biscuits.
Want to add raisins or chocolate chips? Add 1/4 Cup to the egg mixture. 
You can use a larger pan and double the recipe.
Brown sugar instead of white is also good.


About the Bread Pudding with Banana-Pecan Rum Sauce…
This works best with bread that is  a few days old.

If you want to add 1/4 Cup dried currants, separate them so that there won’t be clumps. Pour the bread mixture into the casserole in three batches, sprinkling a third of the currants over each.

Refrigerate the pudding for at least 3 hours to serve chilled with whipped cream sweetened with maple syrup.
It's also delicious at room temperature and served with vanilla custard sauce.


About the Tres Leches Bread Pudding…
For a bit of variety you can add banana slices, marshmallows or raisins.  
If you prefer a crusty top remove pudding from the oven 10 minutes before it is done, and sprinkle over the top a mixture of
1/2 Cup brown sugar
1 teaspoon cinnamon
1 Cup oatmeal
Return to oven to complete baking.


                            Old-Fashioned Bread Pudding with Vanilla Sauce



Lightly grease a deep 2-quart baking dish.


Preheat oven to 350° F

Cube enough to make 4 Cups

white bread

Place cubes in baking dish.
Place in preheated oven for 10 minutes.


While cubes are browning, place in medium pot
2 Cups milk
1/4 Cup butter, cubed
Place over medium heat and stir until butter is melted.
Remove pan of bread from oven and pour milk / butter mixture over cubes.
Sprinkle over the cubes
1⁄2 Cup raisins
Let sit 10 minutes.
Stir in 

2 large eggs, lightly beaten 

1⁄2 Cup sugar

1 Tablespoon vanilla

1⁄2 teaspoon nutmeg

Blend well to combine thoroughly.
Cover and bake for 50 minutes.

While the pudding is baking prepare the Vanilla Sauce


Place in a medium saucepan
1⁄2 Cup butter
1⁄2 Cup sugar

1⁄2 Cup brown sugar

1⁄2 Cup heavy cream

Whisking constantly, cook over medium heat 10 minutes, or until thickened.

Remove saucepan from heat and stir in 

1 Tablespoon vanilla 


Let pudding stand at least 10 minutes before serving with sauce.

Serve warm or at room temperature.



                            Bread and Butter Pudding


Grease well a 9 x 9 baking pan. 

Have on hand
2 teaspoons cinnamon
1/3 Cup raisins

Remove the crusts from
8 slices of bread
Butter the slices, using a total of about 2 Tablespoons unsalted butter.
Cut each slice in half to form two triangles.
Place 8 of the bread triangles with the butter side up in the prepared pan.
Sprinkle half of the cinnamon and the raisins over the bread layer.

Place another layer of bread slices on top.
Sprinkle the remaining cinnamon and the raisins over the bread layer.

Place in a medium bowl
2 large eggs
1/4 Cup sugar
Stir together and set aside.

Place in a small pot
1 1⁄2 Cups milk
1/4 Cup heavy cream
Over medium heat, stir together until combined.
Add about 1/4 Cup to the egg mixture and stir well.
Pour the warmed egg mixture into the milk mixture, remove from heat and stir to combine well.
Pour the custard mixture over the bread and let rest for 30 minutes.

Preheat oven to 350° F

Bake for 30 minutes.
Remove from oven, let cool, sprinkle with sugar to garnish and serve.


                            Bread and Butter Pudding #2

Grease well a 1 1/2-quart casserole.

Place in a small pot
2 1/2 Cups milk
Scald, remove from heat, set aside and allow to cool.

Have on hand
8 slices of French bread, each 1/2 inch thick
Butter one side of each slice, using a total of about 2 Tablespoons unsalted butter.
Place the bread slices, buttered sides up, in the prepared casserole.
Sprinkle with
1/2 teaspoon cinnamon

Place in a medium bowl
3 large eggs
Slightly beat, then add
2/3 Cup sugar
1 teaspoon vanilla
1/8 teaspoon salt
Stir together, then add the cooled scalded milk.
Pour over bread.

Preheat oven to 350° F

Place casserole in a large pan.
Add enough very hot water to the pan to go up the sides about 1 inch.
Cover casserole loosely with aluminum foil.
Bake 20 minutes, then remove foil.
Continue baking 40 minutes longer, until a knife inserted 1 inch from edge of casserole comes out clean. (Cover with foil if top is getting too brown.)

Take pan out of the oven and remove the casserole.
Sprinkle pudding with confectioner’s sugar (optional)
Serve warm.
Store leftovers, covered, in refrigerator.


                            Bread Pudding with Banana-Pecan Rum Sauce

Grease well a 2 1/2-quart casserole.

Combine in a small bowl
1 1/2 teaspoons sugar
1 1/2 teaspoons cinnamon

Have
8 ounces of sliced white bread
Butter one side of each slice, using about a teaspoon unsalted butter on each.
Sprinkle the sugar / cinnamon evenly over the buttered bread.
Stack the bread and cut into cubes, 16 squares per slice.

Place in a large bowl
4 large eggs
1/3 Cup sugar
1/4 teaspoon nutmeg
1/8 teaspoon salt
2 Cups milk
4 teaspoons rum (or 2 teaspoons extract)
2 teaspoons vanilla
Stir together to combine.
Add buttered bread cubes, mixing gently.
Pour mixture into the prepared casserole and let stand for 10 minutes.

Preheat oven to 350° F

Bake for 45 minutes, until golden and a knife inserted in centre comes out clean.
Place dish on rack and cool 20 minutes to serve with either ice cream or sauce.

While the pudding is baking prepare the Banana-Pecan Rum Sauce

Slice into 1/4-inch rounds
2 medium bananas
Set aside.


Place in a small skillet
1/2 Cup chopped pecans
Stirring constantly over low heat, toast the pecans for a few minutes.
Remove nuts to a small bowl.
Add to the skillet
4 Tablespoons unsalted butter
Melt over medium heat.
Add
1/4 Cup dark brown sugar
Cook, stirring, for about a minute.
Add
2 to 4 Tablespoons rum (or 1 to 2 Tablespoons extract)
1/16 teaspoon salt
the sliced bananas
Stirring occasionally, simmer for 2 minutes.
Spoon over warm bread pudding.


                            Custardy Bread Pudding

Grease well a 1 1/2-quart casserole.

Place in a small pot
2 Cups milk
Scald, remove from heat, set aside and allow to cool.

Cube enough to make
2 Cups
 white bread

Place cubes in prepared baking dish.

Place in a large bowl
3 large eggs
Beat well, then add
the cooled scalded milk
1/2 Cup sugar
pinch of salt
1/2 teaspoon vanilla
1/3 to 1/2 Cup raisins (optional)
Stir together to combine.
Pour mixture over the bread cubes and combine lightly.

Preheat oven to 350° F

Place casserole in a large pan.
Add enough very hot water to the pan to go up the sides about 1 to 2 inches.
Bake 50 to 60 minutes, until a knife inserted into the centre of casserole comes out clean.
Serve warm.


                            Tres Leches Bread Pudding

Grease well a 9x13 inch (3-quart) glass baking pan.

Cut into 1-inch cubes

1 loaf (12 oz) French bread

Place in a large bowl
1 can (14 oz) sweetened condensed milk
1 can (12 oz) evaporated milk
1 Cup coconut milk
1/2 teaspoon vanilla
1 teaspoon cinnamon
6 egg yolks
Beat with wire whisk.
Stir in bread cubes.
Pour mixture into baking dish.

Preheat oven to 350° F

Bake uncovered 35 to 40 minutes, or until golden brown and centre is set.
Serve warm or at room temperature with whipped cream.
Sprinkle with chocolate shavings (optional)

                               ~~~~

Back in 2004 I wrote this for the CKUW radio show ‘2000 & Counting’. 
Christmas stress and chores haven’t changed.  Darn!!

 

     Whenever I wonder if God is a man or a woman - which I admit isn't often - all I have to do is remember the ho-ho-ho good time women have during the holidays.

     Yep.. God is a man.
He sits there and just expects holidays to happen.  They happened last year, right?  No problem.  He just sat and wallah!  Christmas.

     Okay, ladies, we know it takes more than sitting.  Remember that cheery little commercial in which we heard Nat King Cole singing about Mrs. Santa Claus?  We saw a woman frantically throwing toys into a cart with one hand, keeping a toddler from jumping out of the cart with another hand and clutching a preschooler with another hand.  Of course she had three hands.  She was a Mom.

     Admit it.  We don't have holidays because we like them.  They're part of our culture, our tradition, our civilization.  Yeah.  So's cleaning the toilet.  There are books with sentimental nonsense, like:
    Evenings when blustery winds howled were cozy times, perfect for sorting recipes.  The children were helping Mama at the oak table chopping fruit and raisins.  Papa was happily crushing nuts and fresh spices in the grinder.

     Yeah.  Those people had cabin fever.  Sorting recipes?  Didn't they have any favourites?  Children chopping raisins?  Sure.  Yank a gameboy out of a kid's hands, give him a big sharp knife and you'll both end up on the 6 o'clock news.  Papa crushing his nuts in a what?  I don't think so.

     Remember how we thought technology would make life easier?  How we'd have four day work weeks and loads of leisure?  Uh huh.  Technology means that even if you're in a public washroom, you - and a dozen other women who had to answer nature's call - can't escape your cellphone playing Up a Lazy River.  Work is feast or famine - either you've nailed three part time jobs into a raft which you hope will carry you to your golden years when your ship will come in (if the pension plan doesn't go belly up) or you've been downsized.  Again.

     And now the holidays are back.

     Okay, grab a pen and paper, sit down and think this through.  Why are you doing this?  Some say Jesus is the reason for the season.  Okay, that's a start.  If He's the only reason you're doing The Season it should be a lot less hectic.  Remember God became human.  Humans can't become God.  So get rid of the crap that’s crept into the creche.

    What's important to you and your family?  Not to the neighbours, not to Granny and definitely not to the stores.  If you want to create pleasant memories set your own priorities.  Don't let urgent things like making fancy decorations keep you from important things like spending time together.  If anyone tries to talk you into doing something a little extra, just say no.  
 
     Back to those memoirs.  Maybe chopping and crushing was their idea of a crackerjack good time.  But if your kids are going to make a beeline for the Oreoes, why stay up till midnight making sugar cookies in strange shapes that can't be dunked into a glass of milk?  I know.  It's tradition.  So, delegate.  Bang open some tubes of cookie dough and let the kids get creative while you take pictures.  They'll actually eat those cookies.

     Invited someone who thinks store bought food is just not fit for the holidays?  Stock up now, destroy the wrappings, toss your cookies into bread bags and freeze them.  Remember how in the 60s we distressed furniture?  When it's 'show time' pop the cookies into the oven for nice burnt edges.  Muck up the cake's icing so it'll look like you really tried.  The snob will respect your efforts and eat, none the wiser.  Just make things look like they weren't made by a professional.

    Speaking of professional, avoid The Stewart.  If you must watch Martha, remember: It's TV.  She's paid to be a pain.  You've seen blooper shows.  Trust me.  Martha bloopers.  She bakes 20 cakes and shows the best one.  Look at the credits.  She has an army doing the work.  She isn't trying to make all this crap when she's bone tired after putting in a 12 hour day and everyone's asleep.  When you watch one of those autopsy shows like CSI do you get an urge to carve up a cadaver, too?  

     Do you have a friend who's another Martha?  Whoopee for her.  Like Mama done told you, if your friend jumped off a bridge would you do it, too?  There has to be something your friend hates to do.  Now's a good time to swap your expertise for hers.  Yes, you are good at something.  She bakes, you wrap.  See?    
     
     Ever feel that if you don't do everything the family's been doing since the Dark Ages, the holidays will be ruined forever, it will be all your fault and the family will never recover?  According to Doctor Bush, a psychologist, Guilt feelings are a messy mixture of insecurity, self-doubt, self-condemnation, self-judgment, anxiety and fear.  It's a whole mishmash of stuff.

     Dump the guilt.  Make a list of all the things you think you have to do, including making that mystery relish that's been in the family since the Black Death.  After dinner, before everyone runs off, read the list.  If something gets big smiles, it's a keeper.  If you say 'Relish' and people make barfing sounds, scratch it.  If your family's too polite or you've invited out of town relatives just think about the past year.  If you were still trying to unload that relish with the Easter ham, lose the recipe.  
    
     Office Parties were dandy back when men held the same job for decades, 'The Wives' were drooling to dress up and 'Meet those exciting people you work with' and the kids could be packed off to Granny's.  Now both spouses have parties - guess what, they're always on the same night - 'The Wives' and 'The Husbands' don't want to meet The Idiots you're always complaining about, Granny's on a cruise and the Goth babysitter looks like Dracula.  You see your co-workers enough.  They'll save you a copy of the secretary's xeroxed butt.

     Cards used to be nice and simple.  They had pretty pictures and a cheery message.  All you had to do was sign and send.  Then some fool got creative and started printing up long bragging letters.  Do your friends a favour.  Don't write The Letter.      

     Being tempted by seeing everybody in the flyers looking wildly happy?  Want your family to go nuts, too?  Guess what.  The folks in the flyers are models who were paid big bucks to grin like idiots and jump around like that.  Stores want you to buy stuff.  That's their only goal.  Helping you have a nice holiday is not their problem.  If they had their way you'd replace everything every year.

     Remember how the best presents were items that showed someone knew what you really liked?  Maybe somebody hunted down a book by your favourite author.  Those gimmicky things that looked impressive seem downright strange on December 26th.  Do your family a favour and toss those flyers.  

     Do get yourself some little treats.  I have a friend who picks up a few bags of pfeffernusse cookies every November.  Whenever she feels like all she's doing is giving, giving, giving, she pops a pfeffernusse and gives herself an old time Christmas.  It doesn't take much.  

     God bless us, everyone.