Anna Sultana’s Cannoli Cookies, Christmas Ricotta Cookies, Italian Ricotta Cookies, Lemon Ricotta Cookies, Iced Lemon Ricotta Cookies, Orange Ricotta Cookies, Christmas Cookies / Muriel’s Family Christmas Dinner by Margaret Ullrich

Happy New Year!

Traditionally this is a time for family and friends to gather.
And some folks think it’s just dandy to drop in, uninvited and unexpected.
Well.. you were well brought up and you know what’s expected of you as a host.
You have to smile and they have to be fed.


Cookies are always handy to have on hand for these surprise guests.
Cookies are just a bit of food. Just enough, in keeping with the situation.
Like what should they have expected when they didn’t give you any warning?
A complete dinner, from soup to nuts?


Cookies are also fine after a dinner with invited family and friends.
A slice of cake, especially fruitcake, can seem a bit overwhelming after a big meal, but there’s always room for a cookie, or two.


Ricotta cookies fresh from the oven can also be used as shortcake.
In the summer, Ma didn’t ice the cookies, but topped them with sweetened mashed berries and a bit of whipped cream.
For the aunts and uncles she’d add a dash of booze to the fruit and serve them from a different tray.
Yeah, we grabbed a few.

Hints:
For a smooth texture, make sure your ricotta is well-drained in a cheesecloth lined strainer, for at least an hour, and at room temperature before using.


About the Cannoli Cookies…
Save a few chocolate chips and pistachios to press into the tops before baking.


About the Christmas Ricotta Cookies…
These cookies are light, incredibly moist, and stay soft for days.
Use vanilla instead of almond extract for a traditional flavour.
You can add lemon or orange zest to the dough or glaze for extra flavour.
To keep the cookies from spreading, chill the dough for an hour before baking.

Store cookies in an airtight container for 4 to 5 days.
Freeze frosted cookies in layers with parchment between layers up to 3 months.
Let them thaw at room temp before serving.

You can make the dough, chill it overnight, and bake the next day.
Or scoop the dough into balls and freeze them.
Bake straight from frozen with a minute or two added to the baking time.


About the Christmas Cookies…
You can use 1 1/2 teaspoons vanilla, or 1 teaspoon vanilla and 1/2 teaspoon almond extract.

               Cannoli Cookies

Preheat oven to 350° F
Line 3 baking sheets with parchment paper.

Place in a medium bowl
2 1/2 Cups flour
2 teaspoons baking powder
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon cinnamon
1/4 teaspoon nutmeg
Whisk together.

Place in a large mixer bowl
1/2 Cup unsalted butter, softened
3/4 Cup sugar
Cream for 3 to 4 minutes, until light and fluffy.
Add, one at a time
2 large eggs, at room temperature
Add
1 Cup whole milk ricotta cheese
2 teaspoons vanilla
1 Tablespoon orange zest
Mix just until combined.
Mixing on low speed, gradually add the dry ingredients, mixing just until combined.
With a spatula gently fold in
3/4 Cup mini chocolate chips
1/2 Cup shelled pistachios, chopped
Scoop tablespoon-sized mounds onto the sheet, spacing 2 inches apart.
Bake 12 to 14 minutes, until the edges are lightly golden. Centres should look just underdone.
Cool 5 minutes on sheet, then transfer to a wire rack.

For the chocolate drizzle
Place in a small microwaveable bowl
1/2 Cup dark chocolate chips
Melt and stir until smooth.
Drizzle cookies with melted chocolate.

Dust with
confectioner’s sugar
Top with
chopped pistachios (optional)

About 30 cookies


                                                              Christmas Ricotta Cookies

Preheat oven to 350° F
Line 4 baking sheets with parchment paper.

Place in a medium bowl
4 Cups flour
1 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon baking soda
Whisk together.

Place in a large mixer bowl
1 Cup butter, softened
2 Cups sugar
Cream until light and fluffy.
Add, one at a time
3 large eggs, at room temperature
Add
15 ounces ricotta cheese
2 teaspoons vanilla (or almond extract)
Mixing on low speed, gradually add the dry ingredients.
Scoop tablespoon-sized mounds onto the sheet, spacing 2 inches apart.
Bake 12 to 15 minutes until edges are golden.
Cool on wire racks.

For the frosting
Place in a medium mixer bowl
1/4 Cup butter, softened
3 to 4 Cups confectioners’ sugar
1/2 teaspoon vanilla
3 to 4 Tablespoon 2% milk
Mix until spreadable.
Frost cooled cookies.
Decorate with Christmas sprinkles immediately and let the frosting set before storing.


                                                              Italian Ricotta Cookies

Preheat oven to 350° F
Line 2 baking sheets with parchment paper.

Place in a medium bowl
2 Cups flour
1 Tablespoon baking powder
1 teaspoon salt
Whisk together.

Place in a large mixer bowl
1/2 Cup unsalted butter, softened
1 Cup sugar
Cream until light and fluffy.
Beat in
1 large egg, at room temperature
Add
8 ounces ricotta cheese
2 Tablespoons vanilla
1/2 teaspoon almond extract (optional)
Beat until the mixture is smooth and well combined.
Mixing on low speed, gradually add the dry ingredients until a soft dough forms.
Scoop tablespoon-sized mounds onto the sheet, spacing 2 inches apart.
Bake for 10 to 12 minutes, or until the edges are lightly golden.
Cool the cookies on the baking sheets for a few minutes before transferring them to a wire rack to cool completely.

For the frosting
Place in a small bowl
2 Cups confectioner’s sugar
3 Tablespoons whole milk
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
Mix until smooth. Add more milk if needed.
Dip the cooled cookies in the frosting.
Decorate with Christmas sprinkles immediately and let the frosting set before storing.

About 24 cookies

               Lemon Ricotta Cookies

Preheat oven to 350° F
Line 4 baking sheets with parchment paper.

Place in a medium bowl
2 Cups flour
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon baking powder
Whisk together.

Place in a large mixer bowl
1/2 Cup unsalted butter, softened
1 Cup sugar
Cream until light and fluffy.
Add
1 large egg, at room temperature
3/4 Cup ricotta cheese
Zest of 1 lemon
2 Tablespoons lemon juice
1/2 teaspoon vanilla
Beat until smooth and creamy.
Mixing on low speed, gradually add the dry ingredients, mixing just until combined.
Cover the bowl and chill dough in the fridge for 30 minutes.
Scoop and roll dough into golf ball-sized rounds, then roll each in
1/2 Cup confectioner’s sugar, sifted
Place on baking sheet 2 inches apart and bake 12 to 15 minutes, until tops begin to crack.
Let cool on the baking sheet for 2 minutes, then transfer to a wire rack to cool completely.
Dust with confectioner’s sugar (optional)

About 42 cookies


                                                              Iced Lemon Ricotta Cookies

Preheat oven to 350° F
Line 2 baking sheets with parchment paper.

Place in a medium bowl
4 Cups flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon baking powder
1/4 teaspoon ground nutmeg
1/2 teaspoon kosher salt
Whisk together.

Place in a large mixer bowl
2 Cups sugar
8 ounces unsalted butter, room temperature
Cream until light and fluffy.
Add, one at a time
2 large eggs, at room temperature
Stir in
16 ounces full-fat ricotta cheese
1 1/2 Tablespoons vanilla
Beat until smooth and creamy.
Mixing on low speed, gradually add the dry ingredients just until combined.
Scoop tablespoon-sized mounds onto the sheet, spacing 2 inches apart. Gently smooth the tops with your fingers.
Bake for 10 to 12 minutes, or until just lightly golden at the edges.
Remove from oven and let cool completely on the sheets.

For the lemon glaze
Place in a small bowl
2 Cups confectioner’s sugar
Zest of 1 large lemon (about 1 1/2 Tablespoons)
Juice of 1 lemon
3 Tablespoons lemon juice or water
Mix until smooth. Add more liquid if needed.
Dip the tops of each cooled cookie and let the glaze set.

About 20 cookies

                 Orange Ricotta Cookies

Preheat oven to 350° F
Line 2 baking sheets with parchment paper.

Place in a medium bowl
1 3/4 Cups flour
1 teaspoon baking powder
1/4 teaspoon salt
                                                               Whisk together.

Place in a large mixer bowl
1/2 Cup + 3 Tablespoons ricotta cheese, at room temperature
1/2 Cup + 1 Tablespoon sugar
2 Tablespoon unsalted butter, softened
Beat until smooth and creamy.
Add
1 large egg, at room temperature
1/2 teaspoon vanilla
1 Tablespoon orange zest
Mix until combined.
Gradually add dry ingredients, mixing just until combined.
Cover and chill dough for at least 1 hour.

Scoop tablespoon-sized mounds onto the sheet, spacing 2 inches apart.
Bake for 12 to 14 minutes, or until bottoms are lightly golden.
Let cool on the sheets for 3 minutes, then transfer to a rack to cool completely.
Glaze or frost, then decorate with Christmas sprinkles immediately.
Let topping set before storing.

For the orange glaze
Place in a small bowl
1 Cup confectioner’s sugar
1 1/2 to 3 teaspoons heavy cream or whole milk
1 1/2 to 3 teaspoons orange juice
Mix until smooth. Add more liquid if needed.

For the cream cheese frosting
Place in a small bowl
1/2 cup cream cheese, softened
2 Tablespoons butter
1 1/4 Cups confectioner’s sugar
1/2 teaspoon vanilla
Mix until smooth.

About 22 cookies

             Christmas Cookies




Preheat oven to 350° F 

Line 2 baking sheets with parchment paper.



Place in a medium bowl

3 Cups flour

1 Tablespoon baking powder

1/2 teaspoon salt

Whisk together.          

 

Place in a large mixer bowl
1 Cup unsalted butter, room temperature
1/2 Cup sugar
Beat until smooth and creamy.
Add
3 large eggs, room temperature
1/2 teaspoon almond or anise extract
Mix until combined.
Mixing on low speed, gradually add the dry ingredients until a soft dough forms.
Cover and chill dough for at least 1 hour.

Scoop tablespoon-sized mounds onto the sheet, spacing 2 inches apart.   
Bake for 9 to 11 minutes, or until bottoms are lightly golden.
Let cool on the sheet for 3 minutes, then transfer to a rack to cool completely.                                                               
                                                                        
For the glaze
Place in a small bowl
2 Cups confectioner’s sugar
1/4 Cup whole milk
1/4 teaspoon almond or anise extract
Mix until smooth.
Dip the tops of cooled cookies.
Decorate with Christmas sprinkles immediately and let the glaze set before storing.

About 24 cookies

                    ~~~

This was a holiday piece I wrote a few years ago for the CKUW radio show ‘2000 & Counting’ when we decided to chat about family holiday dinners. 
Being politically correct - and politically sensitive - was just starting around the turn of the century.
It was and is still a part of menu planning.

The family that eats a holiday dinner together… can still be in for a whole lot of trouble.

My friend Muriel still hasn't recovered from last Christmas.

The poor dear had tried to please everybody. Solomon couldn't have pulled that off. Muriel was willing to go with the flow, but she was caught in a tsunami. Her husband Tom is a simple man with simple tastes. He just wanted a roasted bird with stuffing and cranberry sauce.

He should never have had children.


Their eldest daughter, Donna, keeps up with trends. Muriel had asked Donna to bring the appetizers. Muriel expected their traditional celery sticks with cream cheese, crackers and cheese cubes. Donna waltzed in with an oriental party pack and assorted seafood and chicken wing platters. Something for everyone. Uh, huh.
Tom backed off when he saw the egg rolls. "I don't like Chinese."
Donna said, "I got you BBQ chicken wings."
Ignoring her, Tom said, "They don't serve bread." He went to the kitchen for bread.


Then Betty arrived. Betty lives in a commune and supports the rights of everything and everybody… except those of the hostess. Betty always carried tofu because she never ate dairy products or anything with eyes or eggs. Muriel had prepared a nice salad for Betty. Not good enough.
"Were the pickers paid a decent wage?"
"The lettuce had a union label."
"I only eat organically grown food. Did they use manure."
"We had to scrub the carrots with bleach to get the E coli off."
"Oh... okay."
Tom heard E coli and reached for another slice of bread.


Finally their son Bill arrived with his wife Carol and their children, Krystal and Jason. Bill and Carol had every allergy in the book. Bill also had high cholesterol and Carol had her waistline. They avoided the platters of appetizers and drank the water that they had brought.


Krystal, a tender-hearted child, burst into tears when she saw the chicken wings.
"Oh, those poor birdies. Do you know how they treat chickens, Grandma?"

Muriel figured the birds were better off than she was. They never had to make a holiday dinner for the family. But this was her granddaughter.
"Krystal, dear, these birdies lived in a happy place where they laughed and played and sang songs for a long, long time. Then one day they just went to sleep and, just like butterflies, they turned into chicken wings."
"Oh... okay."
Who says the next generation knows it all?
Tom heard Muriel's tale of the laughing, singing chickens, figured she'd finally lost it, and ate more bread.

Ignored by his elders, Jason gobbled a fistful of seafood appetizers and started wheezing. Muriel packed away the appetizers before her children could start a food fight and led them to the main event.


The table looked like a sailboat regatta that had been designed by Martha Stewart. Every dish had a tiny flag listing all of the ingredients. Muriel did not want to have to call the paramedics again. Krystal cried when she saw the turkey.

When Betty reached for the potatoes, Bill said, "But they have eyes". Betty meant to kick her brother, but got her sister-in-law, Carol, who screamed and kicked back. Muriel yelled at her kids. The holiday dinner was just like always. Damn.


After everyone had eaten what they could, Muriel brought out a carafe of hot cranberry apple cider. This was her gift to herself. Seeing all the different coffees at the supermarket had made her go all whoozie. Whatever happened to plain old coffee, black or with cream? Muriel’s children didn't say a word while visions of cappuccinos, espressos and lattes danced in their heads.


Betty was in charge of the dessert. She had created something that was just what the doctor ordered. No eggs, no cream, no butter, and no taste.
Tom just saw a pumpkin pie and it looked fine. He helped himself to a slice, smiled and thought that Betty was returning to the food of her mother.

But, something tasted... off. Maybe a new spice?
"Betty, what's in this pie," he asked.
"Tofu."
"Geez." Tom reached for the bread.


Jason had wheezed throughout the whole meal.
All in all, it had been just another family holiday get together.


God help Muriel. The holidays are back.

Breads: Cinnamon Donut, Cinnamon Swirl Donut, Lemon Blueberry Loaf, Starbucks Lemon Loaf, Lemon Loaf, Lemon Cottage Loaf / Christmas Baking by Margaret Ullrich

Okay… we’re dashing down the icy Christmas highway.
It’s all going to hit the fan in seven days.


Unless you’ve managed to find something as life changing and important as the Red Ryder Carbine Action 200-shot Range Model air rifle from Jean Shepherd’s A Christmas Story, everyone’s main focus is going to be on what you are going to feed them.

Think about about all the most important Christmas movie scenes:
The Cratchit’s family dinner - the one with Tim’s big ‘God bless us, everyone’ scene - in each and every version of A Christmas Carol
The lime jello with cat food that accompanied the Griswold’s overcooked turkey that exploded in National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
Nora racing to get the last can of Mel's Hickory Honey Ham in Christmas with the Kranks
The reaction the whole neighbourhood had when Nora confessed that she couldn’t get the ham and they would have to feast on smoked trout

No doubt about it.
Your meal will have an audience who will be taking note and recording every little detail of your dinner, from soup to nuts.
Most likely they’ll also be posting pictures on Facebook.
No pressure.

Come to think of it, food played an important part in A Christmas Story.
Remember when, after the excitement from unwrapping the gifts was over, the Bumpus’s hound dogs broke into the Parkers’ home and devoured their turkey?
Destroying their chance of having turkey leftovers in all its tradition forms.
The last memory Ralphie had of that Christmas was the Chinese turkey they were introduced to in the Chinese restaurant.
THE. LAST. MEMORY.

Yes, food is THAT important.

If you haven’t baked a fruitcake, all’s not lost.
These breads don’t need to age.
They can serve as a brunch or as a dessert.

Well, it’s a start.


Hints:

If you do not have buttermilk add a tablespoon of lemon juice or vinegar to one cup milk and let sit five minutes. Stir and use.

About the Cinnamon Donut Bread…
For seasonal twists use pumpkin pie spice or cardamom instead of cinnamon.

This loaf is ideal for breakfast, snacks, or an after dinner dessert.
Wrapped, this loaf stays moist for up to three days. it can also be frozen for up to 2 months. Thaw at room temperature.


About the Starbucks Lemon Loaf (Copycat)…
For a brighter flavour use more lemon zest and a touch less extract.
Don’t overmix when you add the dry ingredients. Small lumps are okay.
Avoid overbaking for the moistest texture.
Store in airtight container to store at room temperature for up to 5 days.
Wrap cooled loaf tightly and freeze for up to 3 months. Thaw overnight in fridge before serving.


About the Lemon Cottage Loaf…
Two lemons will be enough for both the juice and zest needed.

Start with one tablespoon juice, cream and sugar for the icing. Add more sugar if the icing is too thin, because you want the icing thick, but still pourable.
Add 1/2 teaspoon more of liquid if it’s too thick.

When the bread is completely cooled, and the icing is hardened store in an airtight container. You can store it at room temperature for 4 to 5 days.
Don’t store the lemon loaf cake in the fridge or it will dry it out quicker.
This lemon loaf can also be frozen for up to 6 months. Thaw at room temperature.

 

                      Cinnamon Donut Bread

Preheat oven to 350° F
Grease a 9x5-inch loaf pan or line with parchment paper.

For the Cinnamon Sugar Topping:
1/2 Cup granulated sugar
1 teaspoon cinnamon
Stir together.

 

For the Donut Bread:
Place in a medium bowl
2 large eggs
1 Cup buttermilk
1/2 Cup unsalted butter, melted
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
Stir together.

Place in a large bowl
2 Cups flour
3/4 Cup sugar
1 1/2 teaspoons baking powder
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon salt
Stir together.
Pour the wet mixture into the dry ingredients.
Stir gently until just combined.
Pour the batter into the prepared loaf pan.
Bake for 45 to 50 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted in the centre comes out clean.
Let the bread cool in the pan for 10 minutes before transferring it to a wire rack.
Brush the top with
1/4 Cup unsalted butter, melted
Sprinkle over the top the cinnamon sugar topping.
Slice and serve warm or at room temperature with butter or honey.


                                      Cinnamon Swirl Donut Bread

Preheat oven to 350° F
Grease an 8x4-inch loaf pan.

For the Cinnamon Sugar Topping:
Place in a large plate.
1/4 Cup sugar
1/4 Cup light brown sugar, packed
1 teaspoon cinnamon
Stir together and set aside.

For the Donut Bread:
Place in a small bowl
1 1/2 Cups flour
2 teaspoons baking powder
1/2 teaspoon salt
Stir together.

Place in a large mixer bowl
1/2 Cup butter, softened
1 Cup sugar
Beat together until light and fluffy, about 1 minute.
Add
2 large eggs
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1/2 Cup sour cream or Greek yogurt
Mix until smooth.

Add half of the flour mixture to the bowl. Stir just to blend.
Then add
1/4 Cup milk
Blend together, then add
Add the remaining flour mixture. Stir just to blend.
Then add
1/4 Cup milk
Stir just to blend.

Remove 1 Cup of the batter and place in a small bowl.
Stir in
1 Tablespoon molasses
2 teaspoons cinnamon

Pour half of the original batter into the prepared loaf pan.
Cover with the cinnamon / molasses batter.
Pour the remaining original batter on top.
Using a butter knife, swirl the layers together a bit.

Bake for 50 to 60 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted into the centre comes out clean.

Remove pan from oven, place on a wire rack and allow to cool for 10 minutes.
Run a knife around the edge, remove the bread from the pan, and transfer bread to a wire rack to finish cooling completely.
Make sure the loaf is cooled completely before adding topping. Otherwise, it will be too soft and could break when you try to lift and dip it.

Brush the top and sides of the loaf with
1/4 Cup unsalted butter, melted
Dip the top and sides of the loaf into the sugar mixture.
Slice and serve warm or at room temperature.

                      Lemon Blueberry Loaf

Preheat oven to 350° F
Grease and flour a 9x5-inch loaf pan.

Place in a small bowl
1 Cup fresh or frozen blueberries
1 Tablespoon flour
Toss together and set aside.
Place in a medium bowl
1 2/3 Cups flour
1 1/2 teaspoons baking powder
1/4 teaspoon salt
                                                      Stir together.

Place in a measuring cup
1/2 Cup milk
1 Tablespoon lemon juice
1 teaspoon lemon extract
Stir together.

Place in a large mixer bowl
1/2 Cup butter, softened
1 Cup sugar
Cream until fluffy.
Add, one at a time,
2 large eggs
Beat well after each addition.
Add alternately, making 3 dry and 2 liquid additions
the flour mixture
the milk mixture
Fold in
the floured blueberries

Pour batter into prepared pan.
Bake for 50 to 60 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted in the centre comes out clean.
Cool in the pan for 10 minutes before removing to a wire rack.
Run a knife around the edge, remove the bread from the pan, and transfer bread to a wire rack to finish cooling.

For the Lemon Syrup:
Place in a small saucepan
2 to 3 Tablespoons lemon juice
1 Cup confectioner’s sugar
Stirring constantly, cook over low heat until it thickens slightly.
Pour over the cooled bread and allow to cool completely before cutting.
 

           Starbucks Lemon Loaf (Copycat)

Preheat oven to 350° F
Spray a 9×5-inch loaf pan with cooking spray.
Set aside.

Place in a large mixer bowl
1 Cup sugar
3 large eggs
1 Cup sour cream
Beat until smooth.
While mixing on low speed, gradually add
1/2 Cup vegetable oil
Zest of 1 large lemon
2 Tablespoons lemon extract
1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
Beat to combine.
Stir in
1 1/2 Cups flour
1 1/2 teaspoons baking powder
1/4 teaspoon baking soda
1/4 teaspoon salt
Stir until just combined.

Pour batter into the prepared loaf pan.
Bake for 40 to 45 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted in the centre comes out clean. If browning too much, tent with foil during the last 10 to 15 minutes.
Allow the loaf to cool completely in the pan.
Transfer bread to a wire rack to finish cooling completely before glazing.

For the Glaze:
Place in a medium bowl
1 Tablespoon lemon juice
1 Tablespoon milk
Stir together, then gradually add
1 Cup confectioner’s sugar (more if needed for consistency)
Beat until smooth.
Drizzle over cooled loaf.
Let set, then slice and serve.


                                      Lemon Loaf (Starbucks Copycat)

Preheat oven to 350° F
With a pencil, trace the bottom of the pan on a piece of waxed paper and cut out with scissors. Line the bottom of a 9x5-inch loaf pan with a piece of waxed paper. Spray the pan and paper with non-stick baking spray.
Set aside.

Place in a medium bowl
1 1/2 Cups flour
1 (3.4 oz. package) instant lemon pudding mix
1/2 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt
Stir to combine.

Place in a large mixer bowl
3 large eggs
1 Cup sugar
2 Tablespoons butter, softened
1 teaspoon vanilla
1 Tablespoon lemon extract
1/3 Cup lemon juice
1/2 Cup oil
3/4 Cup plain Greek yogurt
Blend until evenly combined.
Gradually add the dry ingredients, stopping to scrape down the sides of the bowl, until just combined.
Pour batter into the prepared pan.
Bake for 55 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted in the centre comes out clean.
Remove pan from oven, place on a wire rack and allow to cool for 10 minutes.
Run a knife around the edge, invert and remove bread from the pan, then remove the waxed paper from the bottom.
Transfer bread to a wire rack to finish cooling completely.

For the Frosting:
Place in a small mixer bowl
3 Tablespoons butter, softened
3 Tablespoons lemon juice
1 teaspoon lemon extract
Beat to combine.
Gradually add
1 1/2 Cups confectioner’s sugar
Beat until smooth and creamy.
Evenly spread the frosting over the top of the loaf.
Refrigerate to let frosting set completely before slicing.
Store any leftovers in an airtight container in the refrigerator.

                                       Lemon Cottage Loaf

Preheat oven to 350° F
Grease an 8 inch square baking pan.

Place in a medium bowl
1 1/2 Cups flour
1 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon salt
Stir to combine and set aside.

Place in a large mixer bowl
1/2 Cup butter, softened
Cream until smooth.
Add
1 Cup sugar
Mix for 2 to 3 minutes, until light and fluffy, scraping down the sides of the bowl as it mixes.
While mixing on low, add one at a time
3 large eggs
Add
2 Tablespoons lemon juice
1 Tablespoon lemon zest
1 teaspoon lemon extract (optional)
1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
Stir until just combined.
Add in half the dry ingredients mixing until just combined.
Add
1/4 Cup buttermilk
Blend in, then slowly mix in the remaining flour mixture.
Add
1/4 Cup buttermilk
Blend in.
Spoon the batter into the prepared baking pan and smooth the top evenly with a spatula.
Bake for about 45 to 55 minutes until a toothpick can come out clean.
Remove from the oven and place on a wire rack.
Let cool in the pan for 1 hour, then carefully remove loaf to continue cooling on the wire rack.
When the loaf is completely cooled, prepare the icing.

For the Icing:
Place in a small mixer bowl
1 Tablespoon lemon juice
1 Tablespoon heavy cream
Stir to combine.
Gradually add
1 Cup confectioner’s sugar
Beat until smooth and creamy.
Add more powdered sugar if the glaze seems too thin.

Pour glaze over the loaf. Let the glaze set completely before slicing and serving.
Slice and serve.

                                                        ~~~

I also wrote the following essay about Christmas traditions for our CKUW radio show ‘2000 & Counting’.
Over the years our listeners asked for some seasonal stories to be repeated.
They seemed to like being reminded that we were all in the same holiday boat, a communal ship which made us feel like we were all sinking fast.

Ah… Christmas shopping, holiday customs, holiday baking…
Why do we do it?

I don't know about you, but as far as I'm concerned, there are two questions no one should ever ask a woman. 



The first is "How old are you?"

The second is "Have you done your holiday baking yet?”



Why is it that, when the thermometer falls, we're supposed to bake?  
Does the Queen whip up a fruitcake before writing her speech?


I don't think so.  



Holiday baking has been with us an awfully long time. 
Did you know that ginger was popular in Greece over 5,000 years ago? The Egyptians were eating gingerbread when the great pyramid of Cheops was just a brick and a prayer. I wonder what their gingerbread men looked like.


A few years after Egypt's building boom, an English King and his hunting party got lost in a blizzard on Christmas Eve. Well, they were clever lads full of English pluck, so they threw everything they had - meat, flour, sugar, apples, ale and brandy - into a bag and cooked it. Wallah!! Plum pudding. The Iron Chef would've been proud.  



On Christmas Day in 1666, Samuel Pepys wrote in his diary that he had risen earlier than his wife Who was desirous to sleep having sat up till four this morning seeing her maids make mince pies. 

I really admire Mrs. P. She just sat and watched her maids do the work, yet her husband felt guilty about her workload. How did she get him to suffer like that?



Some Christmas carols seem a little too focused on food. For example:

            Now bring us some figgy pudding and a cup of good cheer!

            We won't go until we get some, so bring it out here.
Those were somebody's friends? Somebody should've called the cops.


Holiday baking has followed us into modern times. The 1970s was the decade of old time family television shows like The Waltons and memoir books. 
Have you ever browsed through a memoir book? They reminded us of times like this...


Evenings when a cold blustery wind howled outside were perfect for sorting through recipes. They were cozy times. The children were sitting at the oak table helping Mama chop fruit and raisins. Papa was cracking and shelling nuts and crushing fresh spices in the grinder.

Isn't that sweet? Sentences like that convinced me that if we did things just like people did before television was invented, the world would be a kinder, gentler place.



We'll never know. Paul told me, in no uncertain terms, that he was too busy to grind nuts for a cake he didn't even want. 
Alright. Scratch Paul grinding his nuts. I bought ground nuts.


Step two... the batter had to be mixed. Back to that memoir...

When all the fruits were in, Grandmother called, 'Come, stir the batter!' 
We all took turns giving it a stir - clockwise for good luck - and made a wish.



I made a batter, threw in the fruits and called out, "Come, stir the batter!"



Carl pointed to the electric mixer sitting on the counter and said that he was staying on the eighth level of his computer game, The Temple of Ra. He also told me, in no uncertain terms, that he was too busy to stir batter for a cake he didn't even want.



I stirred the batter, clockwise.


Don't ask what I wished.



It's been downhill ever since. Do you know about the charming Swedish custom of hiding a whole almond in a serving bowl of rice pudding? The lucky person who finds the almond has to get married or do the dishes. Either my husband or my son - the fink never confessed - managed to swallow the almond every time.



I tried the German version - whoever finds the almond receives a marzipan pig. By then Paul and Carl had their own tradition: swallowing the almond. I felt so guilty looking at that poor rejected pig. 
I started my own tradition and ate him... along with the cake.



 
There's a Christmas carol that goes
Christmas is coming, the goose is getting fat...


Well, the goose isn't the only one.

Cookies: Fruitcake Shortbread, Shortbread, Chocolate Chip and Toffee Shortbread, Chocolate Chip, Thumbprint, Italian Almond Paste, Raisin Oatmeal, Toffee Doodle, White Chocolate Cranberry / Oh, Christmas Tree! by Margaret Ullrich

Fruitcake Shortbread

Years ago Paul and I would go and chop down a tree as part of our our Christmas celebration.

It didn’t matter how cold it got.
And in Manitoba it can get REALLY cold.
We’re talking -40, which is the same in both Celsius and Fahrenheit.
December in Manitoba is the great equalizer.


Okay… we’re not in our 20s, 30s or 40s anymore.
Neither are our friends.
We bought a fake tree around the time we celebrated our half century birthdays.
Who needs a ‘Silver Alert’ sent out for idiot seniors who got lost in the woods while looking for a tree?
Who would search for idiot seniors lost in the woods looking for a tree?

Well, we’re Winnipeggers, so we had to come up with something else to keep ourselves super busy during the holidays.
We now do Christmas Cookie Exchanges.

We stay nice and toasty warm by our ovens and work like slaves for the holidays.
Hell, by the third batch we’re sweating like pigs.
We bake a ton of cookies, trade them, then have a new ton of cookies.
Ho… Ho… Ho…! Happy Holidays!!

Hints:

About the Fruitcake Shortbread Cookies…
It is important that your butter is soft and not cold.
If the dough is dry, you can add some milk, a teaspoon at a time, to bring it together.
Don't add too much milk. The dough will come together if your butter is soft.

Longer baking will create a crisper cookie; shorter time makes a soft, buttery cookie


About the Shortbread Cookies…
Store in an airtight container at room temperature for 7 days.
They will stay in the fridge for 10 days. You can also freeze shortbread cookies.


About the Chocolate Chip and Toffee Shortbread Cookies…
Store in an airtight container at room temperature for up to 3 days.
These make perfect ice cream sandwich cookies.


About the Chocolate Chip Cookies…
Softened butter and warm eggs help create a smooth batter.
For thicker, chewier cookies, refrigerate dough for 30 minutes before baking.
Take cookies out while their centres are still slightly underdone.

Add 1/2 teaspoon cinnamon or nutmeg for warm, aromatic notes.
Stir in peanut butter, chopped walnuts, pecans, or macadamia nuts for extra crunch.


About the Thumbprint Cookies…
Use a variety of jams and jellies - raspberry or strawberry, apricot, grape - for colour.
If your jam is thick, microwave it for 10 seconds.


About the Italian Almond Paste Cookies …
Almond paste is less sweet, and is typically used to make marzipan, as a baking ingredient and as a filling in a variety of pastries.
Marzipan is made from almond flour, sugar, and sometimes egg whites and syrup. It is used to make candy or cake decorations. You may be able to adjust the recipe to use less sugar and use marzipan in place of almond paste.

Store the cookies in a tin that is lined with parchment.


About the Toffee Doodle Cookies…
Starbuck’s Toffeedoodle Cookies, a variation of cinnamon sugar snickerdoodle cookies, is the inspiration for this recipe.
Add an extra caramel flavour to the cookies by browning the butter first.

Store cooled cookies in an airtight container at room temperature for up to 5 days. You can freeze them for up to 3 months. Thaw at room temperature for a couple hours until soft.


About the White Chocolate Cranberry Bars…
These bars were inspired by Starbuck’s Cranberry Bliss Bars.

If you don’t have orange zest add 1 teaspoon orange extract to the cookie and 1/4 teaspoon to the frosting.
Powdered sugar is also known as 10x sugar. Confectioner's sugar has a starch, like cornstarch, added to prevent clumping.

Store bars in an airtight container in the fridge for up to 5 days, or flash freeze them, then stack with parchment paper between, then freeze for up to 3 months. Thaw in the fridge overnight, or for a few hours, before serving.


                                                    Fruitcake Shortbread Cookies

Line 2 cookie sheets with parchment paper.

Place in a large mixer bowl
1 Cup unsalted butter, at room temperature
1/2 Cup sugar
Cream together until light and fluffy, scraping down the sides of the bowl.
Add
1 teaspoon rum extract (or vanilla or almond extract)
Beat in.
With the mixer on low, add 1/4 Cup at a time
2 Cups flour
Scraping down the sides of the bowl, beat until the dough comes together.
Add
1 Cup finely diced fruitcake mixed fruit
Stir until the fruit is blended in.

Turn the dough out onto plastic wrap and form it into a log, about 9 or 10 inches long.
Wrap it in the plastic and smooth it into a smooth tube, twisting the ends tightly to secure.
Chill for at least 2 hours, or overnight.

Have on hand
Coarse sugar (optional)

Preheat oven to 350° F

Slice the tube of dough into 1/3 inch slices.
Roll edges in course sugar, then place slices on the cookie sheet, 2 inches apart.
Bake for 10 minutes. They may seem soft, but they will firm up as they cool.
Let them cool on pan for a few minutes.
While they are warm, sprinkle the cookies with coarse sugar, if using.
Transfer to cooling rack to cool completely.


                                                    Shortbread Cookies

Line 2 cookie sheets with parchment paper.

Sift together into a medium bowl
1/2 Cup cornstarch
1/2 Cup confectioners’ sugar
Add
1 Cup flour
Whisk in until well combined.
Add
3/4 Cup salted butter at room temperature
Using forks, mix in butter to form a soft dough.
Using a 1 tablespoon scoop, measure out dough, roll between hands to create smooth, round balls. Place on prepared baking sheet at least 2 inches apart.

Preheat oven to 325 °F

Using the tines of a fork, gently press the cookies.
Add sprinkles to the tops of each cookie. (optional)

Bake for 15 to 18 minutes, or until the edges are starting to brown.
Remove from oven and allow to cook on the sheet for 5 minutes then transfer to a wire rack to cook completely.


                                                    Chocolate Chip and Toffee Shortbread Cookies

Line 2 cookie sheets with parchment paper.

Place in a large mixer bowl
1 Cup salted butter, softened
1/2 Cup confectioners' sugar
Cream until light and fluffy.
Beat in
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
With the mixer on low, add 1/4 Cup at a time
2 Cups flour
Mix just until a soft dough forms.
Fold in
1 Cup mini chocolate morsels
1/2 Cup toffee pieces

Using a 1 tablespoon scoop, measure out dough, roll between hands to create smooth, round balls. Place on prepared baking sheet at least 2 inches apart.
Lightly flatten each ball. Chill for 5 to 10 minutes if your kitchen is warm.

Preheat oven to 350° F 

Bake for 12 to 14 minutes, until firm and lightly golden around the edges.
Cool on the baking sheet for 5 minutes, then transfer to a wire rack to cook completely.


                                                    Chocolate Chip Cookies

Line 2 cookie sheets with parchment paper.

Place in a medium bowl
2 1/4 Cups flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
Stir together, then set aside.

Place in a large mixer bowl
1 Cup unsalted butter, softened
3/4 Cup sugar
3/4 Cup brown sugar
Cream until light and fluffy.
Beat in one at a time
2 large eggs
Blend in
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
With the mixer on low, add 1/4 Cup at a time, the dry ingredients.
Stir gently until just combined. Do not over mix.
Fold in, making sure they’re evenly distributed throughout the dough
2 Cups chocolate chips (semi-sweet, milk or dark chocolate or a mixture)

Using a 1 tablespoon scoop, measure out dough, roll between hands to create smooth, round balls. Place on prepared baking sheet at least 2 inches apart.

Preheat oven to 375° F 

Bake for 9 to 11 minutes, or until the edges are golden brown but the centres are soft.
Remove from oven.
Let cookies cool on the baking sheet for 5 minutes before transferring to a wire rack.
Makes 24 Cookies


                                                    Thumbprint Cookies

Line 2 cookie sheets with parchment paper.

Place in a large mixer bowl
1 1/2 Cup brown sugar
1/2 Cup margarine
Cream together.
Add
1 large egg
Beat together.
Add
1/2 Cup boiling water
1 teaspoon baking soda
                                                               Stir together.
Add
1 Tablespoon vanilla
Stir together.
With the mixer on low, add 1/4 Cup at a time
2 Cups flour
Place on floured surface, then knead, adding gradually
1 to 1 1/4 Cups flour

Using a 1 tablespoon scoop, measure out dough, roll between hands to create smooth, round balls. Place on prepared baking sheet at least 2 inches apart.
Make an indent with your thumb in the centre of each cookie. Fill the thumb print with jam or jelly.

Preheat oven to 350° F

Bake for 8 to 10 minutes. Remove from oven.
Let cookies cool on the baking sheet for 5 minutes before transferring to a wire rack to cook completely.


                                                    Italian Almond Paste Cookies

Line 2 cookie sheets with parchment paper.

Have on hand
1/2 Cup sliced almonds

Break into small pieces and place in a large bowl
1 (8 oz) tube almond paste (not marzipan)
Add
3/4 Cup sugar
1/4 Cup powdered sugar
Mix until crumbly.

Place in a small bowl
2 large egg whites
1/4 teaspoon almond extract
1/4 teaspoon salt
Beat until frothy.
Add the wet mixture to the dry and stir until a sticky dough forms.
Using a 1 tablespoon scoop, measure out dough, roll between hands to create smooth, round balls. Place on prepared baking sheet, gently flatten, and press a few almond slices on top.

Preheat oven to 325° F

Bake for 18 to 20 minutes, until edges are lightly golden and tops are just set.
Cool completely, then dust generously with powdered sugar.
Makes 20 cookies


                                                    Raisin Oatmeal Cookies

Lightly grease 2 baking sheets.

Place in medium bowl
1 1/2 Cups flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon cinnamon
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon nutmeg
1/4 teaspoon cloves
Stir to combine.

Place in large mixer bowl
3/4 Cup margarine
1 1/2 Cups brown sugar, packed
Beat to combine then beat in
2 large eggs
1 teaspoon vanilla
Gradually add
flour mixture
1 3/4 Cups old-fashioned oats
2 Cups Thompson raisins
Stir well to combine.

Preheat oven to 375º F

Drop spoonfuls of dough about 2 inches apart.
Bake 8 to 9 minutes, then cool on wire rack.
Makes 3 dozen cookies


                                                    Toffee Doodle Cookies

Line 2 cookie sheets with parchment paper.

Sift together into medium bowl
3 Cups flour
1 teaspoon cinnamon
1 teaspoon cream of tartar
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt

Combine in an 8 inch square pan
1/4 Cup sugar
2 teaspoons cinnamon

Place in a large mixer bowl
3/4 Cup unsalted butter
1 1/2 Cups sugar
Cream together until light and fluffy.
Add
2 large eggs
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
Mix until combined.
With the mixer on low, add 1/4 Cup at a time the flour mixture.
Stir in
1 Cup toffee bits

Using a 1 tablespoon scoop, measure out dough, roll between hands to create smooth, round balls.
Roll the balls in the cinnamon sugar to coat, then place on baking sheet at least 2 inches apart.
Lightly flatten each ball. Chill for 5 to 10 minutes if your kitchen is warm.

Preheat oven to 375° F

Bake the cookies until the edges look golden brown.
Remove from oven and leave the cookies on the pan for about 5 minutes.
Transfer the cookies to a wire rack to cool completely.
Makes 25 to 30 cookies

                                                    White Chocolate Cranberry Bars

Line a 9×13 pan with parchment paper letting some hang outside of pan.
Lightly grease with nonstick spray.

For the Bars:
Place in a medium bowl
2 cups all purpose flour
1 Tablespoon cornstarch
1 teaspoon orange zest
3/4 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon ground ginger
1/4 teaspoon baking soda
Stir together, then set aside.

Place in a large mixer bowl
1 1/2 cups brown sugar
1 Cup unsalted butter, softened
Cream until light and fluffy.
Beat in, one at a time
2 large eggs
Blend in
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
With the mixer on low, add 1/4 Cup at a time, the dry ingredients.
Stir gently until you have a soft cookie dough.
Fold in, making sure they’re evenly distributed throughout the dough
1 Cup dried cranberries
1/2 Cup white chocolate baking chips
Turn the batter into the prepared pan, press dough to the edges, and smooth top.

Preheat oven to 350° F  

Bake for 15 to 22 minutes, until the top is golden.
Remove pan from oven, place on a wire rack and let cool completely.
Using the parchment paper, lift the cookie out of the pan and place on cutting board.

For the Frosting:
Place in a medium mixer bowl
8 oz block cream cheese, softened
1/4 Cup unsalted butter, softened
Cream together until smooth.
Add
1 1/2 Cups powdered sugar
1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
Mix until the frosting is fluffy.
Spread the frosting evenly over the top of the cooled cookie base.

For Topping the Bars:
Sprinkle over the top of the base
1/2 Cup dried cranberries
1 teaspoon orange zest

Place in a small microwave safe bowl
1/2 Cup white chocolate chips
1/2 teaspoon coconut or vegetable oil (optional)
Microwave in 10 second increments, stirring after each, until you can stir it smooth. Pour into a ziplock bag and snip off a corner.
Drizzle over the top of the base. 
Let the base sit until the frosting is set.
Slice the base in strips, then in squares, and then cut each diagonally to make triangles.

                                                    ~~~

For another broadcast of our CKUW radio program ‘2000 & Counting’ we planned to reminisce about when we had gone out into the woods to chop down a Christmas tree.
Yes, this was, and is, a popular Winnipeg Christmas tradition.
And, yes, in Manitoba it can get cold enough to make trees brittle!

God, it was cold.

I didn't know it could get that cold.
I didn't know I'd ever be stupid enough to be outdoors in that kind of cold.
I didn't know I'd been stupid enough to marry someone stupid enough to work with people stupid enough to be out in that kind of cold.

It was December in Winnipeg.

Paul and I had grown up in New York City. There people went to an empty parking lot where the trees had magically appeared, like the pre-wrapped ground beef at the local supermarket. No questions asked. No one wanted to get too personal with an ornament that would be out with the trash in a matter of weeks.

At the New York parking lot we'd browse, find a tree we liked and switch the price tag with the cheaper tree which no one liked. Then we'd carry the tree to the clerk, who gave us the fish eye as he noticed the fullness of such a "good find", sighed and took our money. The whole deal was done in ten minutes. Another Christmas had begun.

Apparently, that isn't good enough for Winnipeggers.
Oh, no, they have to get down and dirty with their holiday bushes.


I'll never forget how happy Paul was when he came home and told me we'd been invited to join his co-workers, a group of Winnipeggers, for a real, old-fashioned Christmas experience. If I'd had a clue I'd have realized that giving birth in a barn, unaided, would've been an easier old-fashioned Christmas experience.
We were going to chop down a real Christmas tree, just like our ancestors.

Well, my parents are from Malta, a sunny Mediterranean island. It just wasn't in my genes to know how to dress for a freezing, miserable, forced march through a blizzard-hit forest. The windchill - which I still didn't understand - was in the "exposed skin can freeze in 2 minutes" range.

That didn't sound good, so I said, "Thanks, but no thanks."


Somehow Paul convinced me that his entire future career prospects, our unborn children's college fund, our grandchildren's lives and our golden years' security and comfort would all go up in smoke if I didn't join in the mighty tree hunt.

His Jewish co-workers were going. Everybody, even that ditzy receptionist who always dressed like a showgirl wannabe with skirts up to there, was going.

So, we were going.


God, it was cold.

I thought I had dressed warmly.
That fink, the ditzy receptionist, showed up looking like the Michelin Man. She was ready to march to the North Pole for the perfect tree, if necessary. So were the three other women co-workers. The other wives - who all knew better - had begged off. One was even pregnant. Or so she said.

I was alone with four career women who were full of the 1970s "I am woman, hear me roar" career fever. While they talked shop I felt as welcome as a lump of coal in a kid’s Christmas stocking.

The Jewish co-workers - who I had hoped would keep the tree hunt frenzy within limits - had turned into lumberjacks. They were also ready to march to the North Pole for the perfect tree, if necessary.

After walking five minutes I couldn't feel my toes. We hadn't even gotten out of the parking lot. I was doomed.

I didn't know it could get that cold.
We marched. Finally, someone approved of a tree. The men chopped. The tree crashed. The branches that hit the ground broke off the tree.

I said, "The bare side could be placed against a wall."

The heat from their glares should have restored my circulation. It didn't. We marched. Someone approved of another tree. The men chopped. The tree crashed. It broke.


God, it was cold.

We were doomed to spend all day wandering like Flying Dutchmen on a quest to find the perfect unbreakable tree. The lot was littered with other broken felled trees. Some trees had landed across their comrades in a criss-cross pattern that looked like a cradle.
A cradle, something soft, something to receive and hold...

Hold it… something to catch a damn tree!

Dripping snot and tears had frozen my mouth shut. If I'd had the equipment I would've written my idea in the snow. I slapped my face trying to restore circulation to my lower jaw. Finally my lips parted. I clutched Paul's arm.

"Cradle... tree... cradle," I mumbled and criss-crossed my arms.

The women thought I was pregnant and wanted a homemade cradle. Thank God, months of marriage, misery and love had united Paul's mind to mine. Months of marriage had also taught us that Paul was no carpenter. He knew the homemade cradle idea was bunk. Paul caught on to my pantomime and told the others of my plan.

Someone approved of another tree. It could land on four broken trees. The men chopped. The tree landed on its fallen comrades. It survived.
We marched. Someone approved of another tree. It, too, survived.

Christmas was saved.


God, it was cold.

I didn't know it could get that cold.
I couldn't believe it.
Some fool was planning the next year's tree chopping expedition.

Anna Sultana’s Soft Molasses Cookies, Iced Soft Molasses Cookies and Newfoundland Molasses Raisin Bread / Tossing Christmas Cookies by Margaret Ullrich

Went grocery shopping yesterday.
They don’t have any sugar, neither white nor brown.
I saw another shopper crying.


Honey and molasses are sweet, traditional and still on the shelves.
A cook’s gotta do what a cook’s gotta do, especially during the holidays.
Okay… a few days ago I posted honey recipes.
Today we’ll take a look at molasses recipes.

Here are a few molasses recipes I’ve posted over the years.
Some are even traditional for Christmas.
The Newfoundland Molasses Raisin Bread is served for morning toast with butter during the Holidays.
Tell the family to think of the new recipes as a cultural experience…
or whatever excuse you think they’ll swallow.


Anna Sultana's Panettone and Gingerbread
https://imturning60help.blogspot.com/2021/12/anna-sultanas-panettone-and-gingerbread.html

Gingerbread and Seven Minute Frosting / Buttermilk Substitute for Baking - Margaret Ullrich
https://imturning60help.blogspot.com/2011/12/gingerbread-seven-minute-frosting.html

Anna Sultana’s German-Style Chocolate Cake, Kuchen and Gingerbread for Father's Day
https://imturning60help.blogspot.com/2023/06/anna-sultanas-german-style-chocolate.html

Anna Sultana's Qaghaq ta' l-Ghasel (Honey or treacle rings, Maltese Style)
https://imturning60help.blogspot.com/2010/12/anna-sultanas-qaghaq-ta-l-ghasel.html

Anna Sultana's Qaghaq tal-ghasel #2 - Treacle Rings, Maltese Style
https://imturning60help.blogspot.com/2013/08/anna-sultanas-qagaq-tal-gasel-2-maltese.html

Anna Sultana’s Pfeffernüsse (German Christmas Cookies)
https://imturning60help.blogspot.com/2015/12/anna-sultanas-pfeffernusse-german.html

Anna Sultana’s Gingersnap Cookies
https://imturning60help.blogspot.com/2015/12/anna-sultanas-gingersnap-cookies.html

Gingerbread Cookies (Christmas Cookies) and Royal Frosting - Margaret Ullrich
https://imturning60help.blogspot.com/2011/12/gingerbread-cookies-margaret-ullrich.html


Hints:

About the Soft Molasses Cookies…
Combine 1/2 Cup raisins with 1/2 Cup of the flour mixture before you add them to the molasses mixture.
These cookies will stay fresh, covered at room temperature, for one week.

About the Newfoundland Molasses Raisin Bread…
You may need to add a little more flour so that your dough will not be sticky.

Molasses bread generally takes a bit longer to rise than white bread does.
Make sure the dough rises at least a couple of inches above the bread pan’s rim before baking.


                        Soft Molasses Cookies

Have on hand 3 ungreased baking sheets.

Sift together into a medium bowl
2 Cups flour
2 teaspoons baking soda
1 1/2 teaspoons ginger
1 teaspoon cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon salt
Set aside.

Place in a large mixer bowl
3/4 Cup shortening or oil
1 Cup sugar (brown will be fine)
Beat on high speed until light and fluffy, about 2 minutes.
Add
1/4 Cup dark molasses
Beat until combined.
Add
1 large egg
Scraping down the sides and bottom of the bowl as needed, beat until well combined.
Gradually add the dry ingredients, about 1/2 cup at a time, to the creamed mixture.

Place in a rimmed pan
1/2 Cup sugar (add more if needed while making the cookies)

Preheat the oven to 350º F

Form dough into balls about 1 1/2 inches, and roll them in the sugar in the pan.
Place on a baking sheet, about 3 inches apart.
Bake for 10 to 15 minutes, until browned and edges appear set.
Let cool for five minutes on baking sheet before transferring to cooling racks.
Repeat with remaining dough.


                        Iced Soft Molasses Cookies

Yield 36 cookies
Line 4 cookie sheets with parchment paper.

Sift into a large bowl
3 1/2 Cups flour
1 teaspoon baking powder
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon sea salt
1 Tablespoon cinnamon
1 Tablespoon ginger
1/2 teaspoon cloves
Set aside.

Place in a 2 cup measuring cup or medium bowl
3/4 Cup molasses
3/4 Cup buttermilk, room temperature
Stir well with a fork to thoroughly mix.

Place in a large mixer bowl
3/4 Cup unsalted butter, room temperature
3/4 Cup packed brown sugar
Cream together until fluffy, about 2 to 3 minutes.
Add
1 large egg, room temperature
Add the molasses / buttermilk mixture.
Scraping the bowl often, stir mixture on low. It will look curdled.
Gradually add the dry ingredients and stir just until blended.
Turn off the mixer and stir a few times with a spatula, scraping the sides and bottom.

Preheat oven to 350° F

Drop measuring tablespoon size balls of batter onto the cookie sheet, two inches apart.
Bake for 12 minutes or until the cookies are done.
To test poke a cookie with a finger. If the indent bounces back then they’re done.
Let the cookies cool on the sheet for 2 minutes, then transfer to a cooling rack.
Repeat with remaining dough.
When the cookies have cooled, make the icing.

Icing

Place in a medium bowl
2 Tablespoons unsalted butter, melted and cooled
2 Cups confectioners’ sugar
1/4 Cup cream or milk
1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
Stir together until well combined and smooth.
Either dip the tops of the cookies into the icing bowl or spoon the icing over the cookies, allowing the excess icing to run off.
Sprinkle with cinnamon if desired.
Allow the icing to set before serving.


                        Newfoundland Molasses Raisin Bread

Makes 2  1 1/2 pound loaves

Grease well 2 9x5x3 inch loaf pans

Place in a small bowl
1/2 Cup lukewarm water
1 Tablespoon sugar
Stir together and add
2 teaspoons dry yeast
Let stand without stirring for 10 minutes.

Stir together in a large mixing bowl
2 Cups flour
1/2 teaspoon salt
When the yeast is ready, stir it and add to the flour.
Stir in
1/3 Cup melted butter
1/2 Cup molasses
3/4 Cup lukewarm milk
1 large egg, beaten
Mix slowly for 5 minutes, or until the mixture is smooth with no lumps.
Gradually add
2 Cups flour
You might need to add more flour for a soft dough that leaves the sides of the bowl.
Add
2 Cups raisins
Knead until the raisins are evenly distributed in the dough.
Turn the dough out onto a lightly floured surface to knead for 10 minutes.
Place the dough in a large bowl, then cover the bowl with a damp tea towel.
Leave it to rest and rise for two hours.

Punch the dough down and knead it for a few minutes, then let it rest for 10 minutes.
Divide the dough into 6 equal portions and form each portion into a ball.
Place 3 balls of dough in each prepared loaf pan.
Cover with a tea towel and allow to rise until it is about 2 inches above the rim, about 2-3 hours.

Preheat oven to 350° F

Bake for 45 minutes. The top and bottom crust should have good colour.
Turn the loaves out onto a wire rack to cool.
Brush the tops with melted butter to soften the top crust, if desired.


                                                       ~~~
I also wrote the following essay about Christmas traditions for our CKUW radio show ‘2000 & Counting’. Over the years our listeners asked for some seasonal stories to be repeated.
They seemed to like being reminded that we were all in the same holiday boat, a communal ship which made us feel like we were all sinking fast.

Ah… Christmas shopping, holiday baking and holiday customs…
Why do we do it?

I don't know about you, but as far as I'm concerned, there are two questions no one should ever ask a woman.

The first is How old are you?
The second is Have you done your holiday baking yet?

Why is it that, when the thermometer falls, we're supposed to bake? 
Does the Queen whip up a fruitcake before writing her speech?
I don't think so.  

Holiday baking has been with us an awfully long time.
Did you know that ginger was popular in Greece over 5,000 years ago? The Egyptians were eating gingerbread when the great pyramid of Cheops was just a brick and a prayer. I wonder what their gingerbread men looked like.

A few years after Egypt's building boom, an English King and his hunting party got lost in a blizzard on Christmas Eve. Well, they were clever lads full of English pluck, so they threw everything they had - meat, flour, sugar, apples, ale and brandy - into a bag and cooked it. Wallah!!  Plum pudding. The Iron Chef would've been proud.  

On Christmas Day in 1666, Samuel Pepys wrote in his diary that he had risen earlier than his wife Who was desirous to sleep having sat up till four this morning seeing her maids make mince pies. 
I really admire Mrs. P. She just sat and watched her maids do the work, yet her husband felt guilty about her workload. How did she get him to suffer like that?   

Some Christmas carols seem a little too focused on food.  For example:
     Now bring us some figgy pudding and a cup of good cheer!
     We won't go until we get some, so bring it out here.
Those were somebody's friends?  Somebody should've called the cops.


Holiday baking has followed us into modern times. The 1970s was the decade of old time family television shows like The Waltons and memoir books.
Have you ever browsed through a memoir book? It could make you weep. They reminded us of times like this...
Evenings when a cold blustery wind howled outside were perfect for sorting through recipes. They were cozy times. The children were sitting at the oak table helping Mama chop fruit and raisins. Papa was cracking and shelling nuts and crushing fresh spices in the grinder.

Isn't that sweet? Sentences like that convinced me that if we did things just like people did before television was invented, the world would be a kinder, gentler place.

We'll never know. Paul told me, in no uncertain terms, that he was too busy to grind nuts for a cake he didn't even want.
Alright. Scratch Paul grinding his nuts. I bought ground nuts.

Step two... the batter had to be mixed. Back to that memoir...
When all the fruits were in, Grandmother called, 'Come, stir the batter!'
We all took turns giving it a stir - clockwise for good luck - and made a wish.

I made a batter, threw in the fruits and called out Come, stir the batter!

Carl pointed to the electric mixer sitting on the counter and said that he was staying on the eighth level of his computer game, The Temple of Ra. He also told me, in no uncertain terms, that he was too busy to stir batter for a cake he didn't even want.

I stirred the batter, clockwise.
Don't ask what I wished.


It's been downhill ever since. Do you know about the charming Swedish custom of hiding a whole almond in a serving bowl of rice pudding? The lucky person who finds the almond has to get married or do the dishes. Either my husband or my son - the fink never confessed - managed to swallow the almond every time.

I tried the German version: whoever finds the almond receives a marzipan pig. By then Paul and Carl had their own tradition: swallowing the almond. I felt so guilty looking at that poor rejected pig.
I started my own tradition and ate him... along with the cake.

There's a Christmas carol that goes: Christmas is coming, the goose is getting fat...

Well, the goose isn't the only one.

Anna Sultana’s Orange Honey Cookies, Honey Cookies and Honey Cake / A Christmas Bargain by Margaret Ullrich

Honey Cake

This has been quite year for cooking in Canada.

Starting in February 2023, the Windsor Salt workers in the salt mines in Pugwash, Nova Scotia and Windsor, Ontario went on a 192 day long strike.
Since Windsor is the salt supplier in Canada that meant that the there was a gaping hole on the shelves where we normally could pick up some salt.
Yes, just like toilet paper at the start of COVID-19, salt was nowhere to be found until September.

Then, on September 28, 138 workers at Rogers Sugar refinery in Vancouver went on strike.
For a while there was enough sugar on the supermarket shelves.
Well, now it’s holiday baking time and the shelves are bare.
The clerk told me that people are showing up at 7 a.m. hoping that a bag or two will make an appearance.
Professional Canadian bakeries and chocolate makers are also having problems due to the lack of white sugar.
The sugar strike has been going for two months and there’s no end in sight.

In Canada salt is supplied by Windsor and sugar is supplied by Rogers.
That's it. Nobody else.
So, if they aren’t producing there’s nothing on the store shelves.
Okay… first world problems, but we’ve just gotten through the COVID-19 restrictions, we’re tired and we just want to do a traditional thing, like cooking up family favourite recipes.

Alright, on to plan B.
Sugar is out, so honey and molasses are the sweeteners for the duration.
They may not be what the family is expecting, but home baked items are less of a a shock than ending a holiday meal with Oreos and a McCain cake.


Hints:

About the Cookies…
Don’t like orange? Use lemon extract and lemon juice.

These cookies are very soft and lose detail when they bake.
Just use really simple cookie cutters. Non-detailed, simple round cutters work best.


                        Orange Honey Cookies

36 cookies

Grease well or line 3 baking sheets with parchment paper

Sift into a medium bowl
2 Cups flour
1/2 teaspoon baking powder
1/4 teaspoon baking soda
1/4 teaspoon salt

Place in a large mixer bowl
3/4 Cup butter
1/3 Cup brown sugar
1/2 Cup honey
Beat at medium speed until well blended.
Add
1 large egg
1 Tablespoon grated orange rind or 1 teaspoon orange extract
Stir in the flour mixture, about 1 cup at a time.
Cover and chill 1 1/2 hours.

Place half of the dough on a lightly floured surface and roll out 1/4 inch thick.

Preheat oven to 350º F

Cut dough into desired shapes and place on prepared sheets.
Bake 8 to 10 minutes, or until they are a light golden brown.
Remove cookies to a wire rack to cool.

For the Orange Butter Frosting

Combine in small bowl
1 teaspoon grated orange rind or 1/4 teaspoon orange extract
1 1/2 Tablespoons orange juice

Place in a small bowl
1/4 Cup butter
Beat until soft, then blend in
2 Cups sifted confectioners’ sugar
alternately with combined juice and rind.

Ice the tops of the cookies using a baster brush or a knife.


                        Honey Cookies

36 cookies

Grease well or line 3 baking sheets with parchment paper

Place in medium bowl
2 Tablespoons butter
1/2 Cup light brown sugar

Place in small pot
1 Cup honey
Over low heat, heat until boiling, then add to the butter and sugar.
Stir until sugar is dissolved then cool 10 minutes.

While honey is cooling, sift into a large bowl
2 1/2 Cups flour
1 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt

Add to the butter and sugar
1 large egg, beaten
Stir to combine, then add to large bowl.
Stir well then add
1/4 Cup buttermilk
Stir to combine.
Cover and chill overnight.

Place half of the dough on a lightly floured surface.
If it feels sticky gently knead in 1/4 Cup flour.
Roll out 1/4 inch thick.

Preheat oven to 350º F

Cut dough into desired shapes and place on prepared sheets.
Bake 12 minutes, or until they are a light golden brown.
Remove cookies to a wire rack to cool.


                        Honey Cake

Heavily grease an 8 inch square pan

Sift together in a medium bowl
1 1/2 Cups flour
3/4 Cup light brown sugar
1 teaspoon cinnamon
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon nutmeg
1/2 teaspoon ginger
1/4 teaspoon cloves

Place in a large bowl
1/2 Cup shortening or oil
1 Cup oatmeal
Stir in
1 Cup boiling water
Let stand 20 minutes.

Preheat oven to 325º F

Add
2 large eggs
1 Cup honey
Beat to combine well.
Stir in the sifted dry ingredients.
Bake 60 minutes, or until cake tester inserted into centre comes out clean.

While the cake is baking place in medium bowl
1/4 Cup butter or margarine
3/4 Cup chopped nuts
1/3 Cup honey
1/4 Cup coconut, flaked or shredded
Combine to make a topping.

Remove cake from oven and spread topping on cake.
Broil until bubbly, then remove from oven.


                                                       ~~~
Back in November, 2002, I wrote an essay for the CKUW radio show ‘2000 & Counting' about getting Christmas gifts.  
It was a meant as a light piece, filled with hints.
Many of our listeners were seniors or college students, folks known for having to stretch their dollars.
Now, in addition to Covid-19 and its variants making us nervous about going to crowded places, we’re facing problems in the supply chain.
Christmas shopping never gets any easier.  Darn!!


Okay… listen up! There are five weeks left until Christmas. That means gifts. I know, I know, it's more blessed to give than to receive. But, unless you have ways of shopping that you'd like to keep secret, giving gifts means money.  

It's a little late to start a Christmas gift account at your bank and the utility companies really lose that Ho Ho Ho spirit if you try to skip paying their bills. 
 
If the charge cards are already maxed out - or you just want to keep your nearest and dearest on a cash and carry basis - gift getting is going to take a little effort.  

Desperate times call for desperate measures. As we're all stuck with holidays - oh, lucky us - I'll tell you some of my desperate measures.

Live off your hump. You know what I mean. Things like the 18 cans of tuna you have left from the time you bought 20 cans so you could get 50 bonus airmiles. Now's the time to crack those babies open. I know the family hates tuna. That's why there are 18 little cans of fishies swimming around your pantry.
Well, the family would hate a Giftless Christmas even more.

Think about it. Lousy dinners happen to everybody. But the family Grinch who comes up giftless at Christmas gets blabbed about throughout the neighbourhood and the generations.
You don't want to be remembered by your great-great-grandchildren as Granny Grinchie.

Try creative cooking. Pretend you're on the TV show Iron Chef. You've just been given a tube of ground beef, a bag of marshmallows, a jar of salsa, a bottle of raspberry vinegar, a carton of frozen spinach, a jar of maraschino cherries and a box of rice-a-roni. Think only a nut throws odd things together? How do you think raspberry vinegar was invented?
If the family gets snarky, tell them you found the recipe in a magazine. Drop names. Martha is always good, and if they can't appreciate all the effort you put into making dinner interesting… Well!
You know the speech.
Remember, guilt, when the other person has it, is a good thing.

Go ethnic. Granny's recipes don't have to be saved for Folklorama. God bless family. Go to an Italian restaurant and get a load of the prices they charge for a plate of Pasta Fagioli. That's two cheapies: noodles and beans! Grandma would die laughing if she saw those prices. Starch and beans got millions of people through tough times. Go thou and eat likewise.
  
Beans aren't good enough? Go past the recognizable cuts and shop the mystery meats. Put enough spices on them and the family won't know what hit them. I once made spaghetti and meatballs using animal organs only a mother could love. Guess what? Hubby had invited a friend. Well, the buddy was getting a free meal, so I followed the Cook’s Golden Rule: Don't apologize and don't explain.
The buddy said it was delicious, like the meatballs they serve at the Bay.
Hmmm… I notice the Bay is still in business. There's more than one way to skin a cat.   
  
Shop your house. No kidding. Grab a bag and stroll through your house. Look for things somebody foisted… uh… gave to you. Well, why should you be stuck with it until you're six feet under? Unless it was made by your preschooler - don't even think it, they DO remember - you're free to pass it on to someone else.
Just don't give it to the person who gave it to you.
   
Pack your own. Ever notice the little overpriced goodies the stores stuff into baskets and bowls? One current gift item is a box of pasta, a tin of sauce, some cheese and some wooden spoons nestled within a large bowl.
Are you too stupid to do the same thing? I didn’t think so. It's one way to get rid of some of those extra airmiles purchases. Let somebody else eat the tuna.


Still thinking about the folks in the flyers looking wildly happy over a toaster? 
Toss the flyers. Those models were paid big bucks. Stores want you to buy. A stress-free family holiday is not their goal. If they had their way you'd replace everything and pay 50% interest.
     

Remember how the best presents were things that showed that someone cared?
Maybe somebody hunted down an out-of-print book by your favourite author.
The gadgets that looked amazing seem strange on December 26.  
    
While you're shopping, get yourself some treats. 
I have a friend who picks up a bag of  pfeffernusse cookies every year. When she feels like all she's doing is giving, giving, giving, she pops a pfeffernusse into her mouth and gives herself an old time Christmas. It doesn't take much.   

God bless us, everyone.

Anna Sultana’s German-Style Chocolate Cake, Kuchen and Gingerbread for Father's Day

Goodness! Next Sunday is Father's Day!
I hope that the weather will be great and that everyone will enjoy the day.

My Pop loved chocolate cake.
Every Sunday after Mass he would pick up one, along with a half dozen loaves of bread, from the Italian bakery.
Because Pop loved chocolate cake I always think of making one for Father’s Day.

Over the years I’ve posted a few chocolate cake recipes.
If you’re curious, just type ‘chocolate cake’ in the Search box and click.
The most popular chocolate cake recipe I've ever posted - it’s received 3,287 visits - is Carmela Soprano’s Baci Cake
https://imturning60help.blogspot.com/2011/01/carmela-sopranos-baci-cake.html


Maybe your Dad enjoys chocolate cake, too.
It’s been a while since I posted a chocolate cake recipe.
It’s definitely time for me to post another.

An old favourite of mine is Anna Sultana’s Mocha Cake
https://imturning60help.blogspot.com/2016/02/anna-sultanas-mocha-cake-and-mocha.html

Another is Anna Sultana’s German Chocolate Cake
https://imturning60help.blogspot.com/2017/04/anna-sultanas-german-chocolate-cake.html

German Chocolate Cake was a recipe Mrs. Kekelia had shared with Ma.
Just like Baci Cake it takes a bit of work, and is delicious.
We’ve been having an awfully hot June and, if you’re like me, a simpler cake is all you can handle.
Simpler doesn’t mean it can’t taste good.
Ma had hot and busy Junes, too, so, she tweaked the German Chocolate Cake and created a simpler version.

If you have the time and energy, well, go ahead and use it.
If you’re looking for simple but good, give this variation a try.


If your Dad isn’t a chocolate fan he might enjoy a slice of Kuchen.
Kuchen (pronounced koo-ken) is the German word for cake, but it’s more like a custardy fruit pie.
Gingerbread is is really easy and really good.

If you, or your Dad, would rather not barbecue, I’ll post some dinner recipes on June 14.


Hints:

To make a substitute for buttermilk for cooking, just place about 1/2 teaspoon vinegar in a measuring cup and add enough milk to make 1/3 Cup soured milk. Stir and use. It isn’t an exact recipe.

About the German-Style Chocolate Cake…
For best results, bring the ingredients to room temperature.

You can make the cake in advance. Let the layer cool completely, then wrap it in plastic wrap and place in a freezer bag. It can be frozen for up to one month.

Store leftovers covered in the refrigerator.

About the Kuchen…
Kuchen can be made with whatever fruit is available. Instead of peaches you can use apples, plums, apricots, cherries, berries, pears, whatever you have.
If you don’t have fresh fruit use canned or frozen. All you need is 2 cups of fruit.

About the Gingerbread…
The cake is very moist and makes its own glaze.
You can sprinkle confectioners sugar over it, but it really doesn't need it.


                                                               German-Style Chocolate Cake

For the Cake:

Grease a 9x13 inch pan  

Place in a small bowl
1/3 Cup buttermilk
1 large egg
1 large egg white
3/4 teaspoon vanilla
Lightly beat together and set aside.

Place in a 1-quart saucepan
2/3 Cup water
1/2 Cup unsalted butter, cut into pieces
1/4 Cup unsweetened cocoa, packed
Cook, stirring occasionally, over medium heat until the butter melts. Set aside.

Preheat oven to 350º F

Sift together into a medium mixing bowl
1 1/4 Cups flour
1 Cup sugar
3/4 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt
Add the warm liquid mixture and stir to combine, about 30 seconds.
Add the buttermilk mixture and stir together for another 30 seconds.
Pour the mixture into the prepared pan.
Bake for 22 to 25 minutes, or until toothpick inserted in centre comes out clean.
Cool on wire rack while making the frosting.

For the Frosting:

Finely chop pecans to make 3/4 Cup
Lightly toast and set aside.

Place in a 2-quart saucepan
1 large egg
1 large egg yolk
2/3 Cup sugar
2/3 Cup evaporated milk
Pinch salt
5 Tablespoons unsalted butter
Stir to blend in the eggs.
Cook, stirring constantly, over medium heat until mixture comes to a boil, then cook, stirring constantly, for another 8 minutes.
Remove from heat and stir in
1/2 teaspoon vanilla
1 Cup unsweetened shredded coconut
the toasted pecans

Spread the warm frosting over the partially cooled cake.
Serve at room temperature.


                                                               Kuchen

Grease an 8 inch square baking pan

Combine in a small bowl
1/4 Cup brown sugar
1/4 teaspoon nutmeg or cinnamon

Place in a medium bowl and stir together
1 Cup flour
3/4 Cup old fashioned oats
3/4 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon salt
Cut in
1/2 Cup shortening
Stir in
1 egg
2 Tablespoons milk
Press the dough across the bottom and 2 inches up the sides of of the prepared pan.

Preheat oven to 400º F

Evenly place over the crust
2 Cups canned sliced peaches, drained (or you can use fresh)
Sprinkle the brown sugar / spice mixture over the peaches.
Bake for 10 minutes.

While the crust is baking, place in a small bowl
1 Cup whipping cream
2 large egg yolks or 1 large egg
Beat together to make the custard.

After the kuchen has baked for 10 minutes remove the pan from the oven.
Pour the custard mixture over the fruit, then put it back in the oven.
Bake for another 30 minutes, or until the custard is firm.
Serve warm, topped with whipped cream (optional).


                                                               Gingerbread

Preheat oven to 350º F
Grease and flour a 9 inch square pan

Sift into a medium bowl
2 Cups flour
2 teaspoons ginger
2 teaspoons cinnamon
1 teaspoon baking powder
1 teaspoon allspice
1/4 teaspoon salt

Place in a large bowl
1/2 Cup butter or margarine, at room temperature
1/2 Cup sugar (white or light brown)
Cream together and add
1 egg
1/2 Cup buttermilk
1/2 Cup applesauce
1 Cup molasses
Stir in the flour mixture and pour into prepared pan.
Bake for 50 to 60 minutes, or until knife inserted in centre comes out clean.

                                              ~~~
This is a piece I wrote in 2006 for my CKUW show. Hope that it gives you a chuckle.

I hope all you Dads will have a great Father's Day.

People talk about how Christmas has changed over the years. Well, I think Father's Day has changed even more than Christmas has.

In the fifties, Father's Day was pretty simple. It was a snap to shop for Dads. Moms were hard. There were so many different toilet waters. Lipstick colours changed every year. One year Lucille Ball Red was popular. The next year every lady was wearing Flaming Fuschia. I mean, how was an elementary school kid supposed to know what to get?  
   
Dads were easy. They always needed a pair of socks or another tie. There WAS something about an Aqua Velva man. The bottles of blue water came in a variety of sizes and they were all cheap. If you had to soften Dad up for the report card that was coming, you could splurge on Old Spice or English Leather for a few pennies more.

If you'd blown all your money for Mother's Day - an easy thing to do - you could get another tube of Brylcreme. Those little dabs went fast and Dad always needed another tube so he could look debonair and Mom could run her fingers through his hair.  

Keeping the family car spiffy has always been a Dad's job. Remember when they were unwrapping their presents in the movie A Christmas Story? Dad Darren McGavin was thrilled to get a tin of Simonize for his car. It was big. It was heavy. It was cheap.

That was the Golden Age for Dads gifts. But now? Let's just say that Dads are getting to be as big a problem as Moms are, gift-wise.

I always thought of men as being rough and ready in their grooming needs. I raised a son. He once took a bath, answered nature's call, then went straight to drying everything - and I mean everything - with the bath towel. He thought cutting out a small step would save some time. At least that was his explanation when I asked him about the skid marks on the yellow towel.

Now men have discovered their inner Alan Alda. They know about brands like Nivea. Soap on a rope has lost its oomph. Blades and a can of Barbasol just won't cut it anymore. Guys have discovered grooming sets: shower gels, body washes, face scrubs, after shave balms and a post shave soother that the nice sales clerk swore will control his beard's growth. You know, the same crap and sales pitches they've been throwing at women for years.  

And for the guy who's really into his feminine side, there are events like the Papa-razzi Package at the Fairmont Hotel in Vancouver. The 36 hour getaway includes an hour-long massage, a facial, foot care, a souvenir shaving kit and a round of golf. The package costs $2,165 plus taxes and airfare if you don't happen to live in Vancouver. Hey, femininity never came cheap.

Tools have always been popular gifts. Something is always getting lost or broken, right? Time was when, after being showered with a 32 piece wrench set, a 14 piece clamp set and a 65 piece screwdriver set, every Dad was ready, willing and eager to wrench, clamp and screw any and everything in the house.

Fellows, I was wondering… if a man receives a 205 piece drill and screw driving set (consisting of screw driving bits, nut driving bits, spade bits, high speed drill bits, hole saws, masonry drill bits, sanding drums and a countersink which, I've been told, are ideal to use on wood, metal, plastic, brick, mortar and concrete) would he really use them all or just stick to a half dozen favourite pieces? You know, the way we women use the same favourite spoons and pans in the kitchen.  Sometimes wretched excess is just, well, excessive.

Speaking of the kitchen, a Dad's cooking used to be basic. Raw meat plus fire equaled hard small hockey pucks served with ketchup and relish in a bun. Raw onion slices were added for the July first weekend. Up to now the most exciting thing I'd ever seen a man do at the barbecue was to stick a can of beer up a chicken's butt so it could stand and roast. It looked almost patriotic.  

Dads made simple basic food. And healthy. No E coli bacteria could ever survive a Dad's barbecue.  

Now folks are dropping like flies because Dads have discovered cuisine. Ketchup and mustard have disappeared. Guys who flunked Geography and can't find their way to their in-laws across town without a CAA trip-tik are now into Japanese, Mexican and Thai recipes.

While at the Liquor Commission, I picked up the freebie Flavours magazine. On the cover it said Sassy sauces for your grilled goodies. Uh, huh. I don't know what my Dad would've thought of things like sorrel-spinach sauce. On salmon, yet.

There was also an article about the joys of salt water. According to the folks at Flavours, soaking food in brine is the key to a killer barbecue. I don't know. I remember one picnic forty years ago when the boat tipped over, everyone and everything fell out and everything got doused with good old salty Atlantic Ocean water. No one thought that was anything worth repeating ever again.

Shish kebabs used to be simple. Meat, onion, green pepper… meat, onion, green pepper… meat, onion, green pepper… until you ran out of everything. Well, now bamboo skewers aren't good enough anymore. Oh, no. One recipe in Flavours should earn a cook a Boy Scout badge. Get this: Peel fresh ginger and cut into several four inch long skewers. Then carve the ginger on one end into a sharp point. If your local grocer is out of long chunks of ginger, don't panic. You can also do the same thing to lemongrass stalks.  

Oh, pull-lease!! If God meant us to spend our short summers carving little sticks He never would've made those nice clean bags of bamboo skewers. Life - and a Manitoba summer - is way too short for that kind of nonsense.     
 
There was a time when a bag of coal big enough to burn down a house could warm the cockles of a Dad's heart. It could keep a fellow busy for a whole summer's worth of Sundays. Now charcoal has some competition. Have you been exposed to Mesquite-Flavoured wood chips? Our neighbour, Lou, really loves mesquite. He chopped some chips up and sprinkled them on the salad. Okay.  Lou isn't quite right in the head. Last week he served up what he called grilled pizza. Uh, huh. Like we didn't notice the take out boxes stacked next to his recycling.  

We have an old gas barbecue that chugs along with 11,000 BTUs. It has been doing a dandy job of turning meat into blackened briquets for quite a few happy family gatherings. Have you seen the new barbecues? When did guys start pimping their grills? The big selling feature for these monsters is how many BTUs are under the hood.  

I checked the dictionary. BTU means British Thermal Units. Well, that was a big help. I needed to get BTU into terms I could understand. I looked around my house and found that my gas water heater has 30,000 BTUs. The heater is plastered with little notes from Furnaceman. Cheery messages like: Third degree burns can occur in six seconds when the water is 60º C. Death is also possible. 

Hmmm… My water heater has 30,000 BTUs and it can get water hot enough to kill somebody.

A Kalamazoo Bread Breaker Two Dual-Fuel grill with an infrared rotisserie cradle system and a side burner has a 154,000 BTU capacity. It has a temperature gauge that reaches 1000º F. It also has nighttime grilling lights. Why? Would a middle-aged hubby, after his 3 a.m. pee, get an uncontrollable urge to wander out to the Kalamazoo and grill a couple of turkeys?

According to the manufacturer, it's geared to the Man cook with fire market segment.    

Middle-aged men, who normally think it's a hassle to reheat leftovers in a microwave, are gathering around these monster barbecues and acting like a bunch of teenage boys. They're checking under the hood, twisting dials and rattling off phrases like "Mounted smoker box… warming rack… hi-dome cooking lid… porcelain coated cooking grid… heat plates" with the same slobbering enthusiasm most had for their first car.

There are also barbecue accessories. I'm not talking long handled forks and aprons that tell folks to kiss the cook.  

The Centro food prep station is a buffet, cooler and more. It can be connected to the barbecue to create a complete outdoor kitchen. Hey, fellas! There's a room that has all this stuff. You're welcome to come and flex your cooking muscles all year round. Sorry the oven only goes to 500º F, but, we girls have been able to crank out complete holiday dinners in it. It's called the kitchen.

Maybe the Discovery Channel was trying to do a public service. They recently had a special on the 1883 Krakatoa catastrophe. When Krakatoa went Kabooie, it produced an ash cloud. The ashes and gases reached 1000º F. Most of the people in a 30 mile radius were killed by the extremely hot air which liquified their lungs.
     
Dads, if some fool gave you the Bread Breaker, think of Al Gore and take it back.
The ozone layer will thank you.
The environment will thank you!
The lungs of everyone within 30 miles will thank you!!

And, most important, the family's burgers and wieners will thank you!!!